Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

I was about to start a thread to you yesterday, wondering how you were doing. I've read this thread and have lots of thoughts, having just broken up 2 months ago with someone I was sure was "the one."

Here's my gut reaction. You said, "Adrian really, truly isn't a bad person AT ALL."

I say, you don't have to convince yourself he's a bad person in order to acknoweldge that he's a bad fit for you. You don't have to change your mind that he's a good kind person. You don't have to decide that you've been wrong about him. You can simply say that you love him, you'll always think the world of him, but that you and he are not providing each other with what either one of you needs.

On another note -- usually the one doing the pulling away has been thinking / feeling that way for a long time, so for him it's not out of the blue. I'm not much of a self-help enthusiast but I did just read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken," and it really did help me so much. It's a quick read -- go check it out of the library. If they don't have it, I'll send you mine.

Also, unfortunately, it's not up to you whether or not you guys make it. It takes two people working hard on a relationship to fix it, but it only takes one person to decide it's over. Sounds like Adrian truly does care about you and didn't want to hurt you by ending things, but his heart is not in it. He's been passive-aggressive and has basically put the ball in your court, so you're the one who has to do the axe-dropping. My ex did the same thing, and I think it's pretty common relationship behavior (men and women).

I'm really sorry you're hurting. If you two do end it, I hope you'll look at it as a "breakover" (explained more in the book). It will be an opportunity for you to work on a lot. You'll be able to work on your relationship with your mom since she'll be the only one making you miserable. You can see about not paying your parents rent anymore and moving back in with them upstairs, if they can do that for you. You can focus on University. You can count down the days until you get your breast reduction. You can feel free to spend the whole damn day in bed if your belly hurts. You can see how your tummy reacts when Adrian is no longer playing yo-yo with your heart. As painful as the certainty of a breakup can be, it can also be a relief when you know that your daily emotional state will no longer be dependent on your man's mood.

Keep us posted -- I'm thinking about you.

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Amanda

I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin

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