This sucks! I am so sorry you have to go through this. ![](/messageboards/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif)
I'm not gonna say "dump him, he's a jerk!" -- yeah, it sounds like he made some really insensitive comments, but, we are all human, and we all do cruddy stuff. Being in a committed relationship is HARD. Even the most wonderful people are not wonderful 100% of the time.
Another thing -- a male in his early twenties actually is probably not completely human. There are exceptions, obviously, but at that age the vast majority of them are still fairly selfish and insensitive. I'm 24 and I would never date someone my own age. (Well, or any age, actually, seeing as how I am married and my husband would probably object.) I think it's like around age 27-ish that they start to mature.
I don't know what to say about the things he said. My husband has also struggled to accept my illness, and we've had some "discussions" that left me feeling pretty rotten about myself. In some ways we are still probably a little shaky. I am now pretty severely ill and I think he has finally accepted it more. BUT ... even so, he is still fairly passive about helping me. I have always done all of the housework, and even now, he won't do dishes/laundry/whatever on his own -- I have to ask him to do it. Don't get me wrong, he will, but he certainly doesn't tuck me into bed with tea and toast every time I get sick. But that's fine. That isn't the way he's wired, and I can deal with that.
My husband is a super-nice guy. He's the kind of person who will stop to help a stranger. It's easy to get angry because he doesn't always understand, or sometimes he'll say something like "We never go anywhere anymore." But illness can be just as tough on your partner in other ways. It's not easy for me to deal with what I'm going through. At the same time, it isn't easy for him, either. We can't go have a nice evening out anymore, because if I'm feeling sort of OK, then I'm going to be at work, making up for hours I missed. When we get invited to social functions, I am rarely ever able to go, and so he has to show up alone and answer questions about me. Our sex life? Don't even ask. I don't cook anymore. We have a huge home remodeling project, but I am always too sick or exhausted to help with it. And there is always that perpetual hanging thought that I might end up not being able to work, which would just kill us. The list goes on and on. It isn't easy for him, either. Yeah, it's really easy to get indignant and say that HE isn't sick and ought to be completely supportive -- but you know what? It usually doesn't work that way.
It sounds like the two of you really aren't on the same page right now. I really agree that you should try to do counseling. I know you said you were broke, though. Doesn't your insurance cover that at all? Mine does, though I'm limited to X sessions per year.
This kind of stuff is unfortunately normal in a relationship where one person is chronically ill. I guess both of you have to ultimately decide if you believe you can come to terms with it.
I do want to note that it sounds like you are way nicer to him than I am to my husband. So, I guess that the issues are arising more from his inability to adequately deal with the situation, rather than anything YOU personally are doing wrong.
Hang in there. Life is hard, and figuring out the male psyche is even harder. And, this is a cruddy time of year!!! I'm sorry, but the holidays are a huge tangled knot of stress, and anyone who tells you differently is in retail.
-------------------- jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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