Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

Adrian and I have decided to seperate come January. It might come as a surprise that it actually has nothing to do with my recent dilemma about whether to stay in Canada or move back to England.
I haven't been posting because I feel like people probably don't want to hear me moaning anymore, but things have been really bad. I am only posting now becauase I am literally entirely alone and completely desperate for someone to talk to.
Adrian has been so irritable and grumpy. He is mad at me all the time. I end up feeling guilty and anxious, which makes my tummy bad and I have been getting terrible headaches.
He keeps doing things that make me feel grumpy at him as well. For example, three days in a row he forgot to pick me up from the transit station and I had to call my Dad. Very embarassing. He doesn't want to.. be intimiate.. with me hardly ever. He always has an excuse, but I'm not stupid. All these things that keep happening make me feel foolish and like I can't trust him to do the things he says he will.
We keep trying to talk about it, but he shuts me down every time. For weeks now, I have been feeling like I am just waiting for us to finally break up.. which terrifies me because even when things are bad, he is still my favourite thing.
We ended up talking yesterday, in the parking lot of a mall no less, and he put it all out there: He feels resentful of me because I am sick all the time. This one was like a punch in the gut. I gave him an out over a year ago, told him how it was going to be. Everyone had convinced me he wouldn't want to be with me. He acted INSULTED that I would even suggested it. How lucky was I to have found someone who would love me anyway? But I guess I was wrong. And foolish, again. The worst part is, I totally UNDERSTAND. I wouldn't want to be with me either!
He said that he feels like he has to take care of me all the time, and that he can't count on me for support. I think that is ridiculous. I have never had ANYONE take real care of me, and have always been on my own for the stomach thing and have never asked him once to "take care of me". Besides that, when I get really sick with the flu or when I broke my foot he doesn't do anything extraordinary to help me out. Doesn't pamper me or anything, so I don't know what he is talking about. As for supporting him, I never talk about myself anymore as I always only listen to what is going on with him, I sympathise and give him hugs and make him food and everything.. I don't know what else he wants me to do.
Finally, he said that he thinks he does so much for me and I do so little for him (ouch) that if we were to break up, he would be sad at first but he would be pretty much the same as he is now. He says he feels alone with me.
I have never been so hurt in my life. I have been crying for practically a whole day (since yesterday). My face looks like a war zone. How could he feel these things about me and stay with me? He says we will work it out before January, and we can stay together, but HOW? I am not going to suddenly get better. He can't tell me what he wants me to do, so I can't fix that. I can't make him want to be intimate with me.
I am so afraid of all the "I told you so"s if this all ends up on the scrap heap. I have no friends because of everything that's happened, except for one who is moving away soon. I haven't told anybody what is going on, and I am tearing myself apart.
I want to talk to a counsellor SO BADLY but I can't afford it.
I don't want to eat anything, I feel like I could throw up, I feel like I am just such a horrible person to have done this to someone else.
The reason I said we are waiting until January is because of Christmas, but really it is because I have arranged for his parents to come over for a surprise visit next week and I want us to be together for that as they are staying with my family and everything.
I honestly don't know what I am doing to do. I feel devestated. I need a hug.

Steph.

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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.

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