Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Dealing With Grief...how do you know if you've "coped" properly

Ok, I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous, but I could really use some advice.

My mom died almost 4 years ago when I was 18. She had pancreatic cancer and died just three weeks after I moved away to go to University. I found it really hard because since she had cancer, I assumed we would have some warning before she went. You know, I expected to be told she wasn't responding to treatment, or tests didn't look good or whatever...I didn't expect it to be sudden.

It was sudden however. She developed a nasty infection and within days was transferred to the Palliative Care ward. I thought everything was fine and then received a call one Wednesday morning from my Dad telling me to come home immediately because she didn't have much time left.

Needless to say, I was shocked. I only went to school an hour away and still by the time I got to the hospital, she was barely lucid. She passed away that Friday.

I tried to grieve, I cried and did all that stuff. I even helped plan a lot of the funeral. I put together albums of pictures of Mom with friends and family, and was in charge of calling and notifying a lot of people of her death.

After the funeral, my Dad sent me right back to school because he said things should get back to normal as soon as possible. So I went.

Now it's been four years and I really don't think I've properly dealt with it. I'm sure you always continue to feel pain when a loved one dies, but I get more upset now than I did then

I'm trying to work through a lot of issues right now and I just don't think this is helping. I have guilt about the fact that I went away to school...pancreatic cancer is almost always deadly so I feel like I should have known better and stayed.

I keep having recurring nightmares where she dies all over again in different (and strange) scenarios and find myself crying a lot about it.

I can't really talk to my family about it (don't have much family anyways) and I just don't know what to do. Is this normal? Is there even a normal for things like this? I didn't know my grandparents or anything so my Mom's death was the first death I really experienced.

I'm on waiting lists to see a therapist, just thought I'd see if anyone had any tips or advice for how to better cope.

Sorry this is so long, it's just been one of those days

Kelly

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