Soy milk is ok.  Personally, I can't tolerate the taste of the stuff, so I usually use rice milk, which is also a-ok. (Vanilla rice milk is GREAT in smoothies & on cereal!) I like Rice Dream brand, personally.
As for fried food, if you're talking about deep-fried stuff a la KFC, then no, as far as I know, there's nothing safe to fry it in. For pan-frying, cooking spray and a good nonstick pan will be your new best friends. I'm sure there are also some good baked "faux fried" recipes if there's something in particular that you're craving - try a search in the recipe forum!
Veggie burgers, as far as I know, are good. Again, read labels, see what's in them, and make sure there's nothing that's a trigger for you.
Feeling lost, even with the lists, is normal. At least that's what I keep telling myself - I've been doing this for almost a month, and I still refer to the lists at least once a day. It takes a while to sink in and really become habit. It does get easier, though!
Oh yeah, and smoke bothers me something awful - you're not alone!
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Re: What to eat and not eat...
