Just from my own personal experience, I would recommend 100% adherence to the diet at first. Once you stabilize, you can experiment with the "no-no" items to see what you can tolerate, because everyone IS different... but at first, it just makes life easier to stick to the safe stuff and be done with it.
Whole wheat, the example you used, is encouraged in moderate amounts because it is an insoluble fiber food. Insolubles are just as necessary to the diet as solubles, they just have to be eaten carefully. Insolubles and "no-no" trigger foods are NOT necessarily the same thing.
The absolute trigger foods are dairy, including cheese, red meat, caffeine, and excessive amounts of fats (oil, animal fat, shortening, butter, margarine). Fried foods, for example, which are really high in overall fat content, will trigger just about anyone with IBS.
There are people who can eat moderate amounts of certain trigger foods, and be fine for it, but it's never recommended, especially if you're just starting out with the diet and aren't stable yet.
Hopefully that helps clear things up a little bit. 
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Re: How strict must you adhere to the diet?
