Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | What would you do? Long post!!!

Okay, I have the SIL (husband's brother's wife) from hell. It's so hard to try to capture her without going into detail, but I'll try: cusses constantly in front of anyone, including her 5-year-old son; has no problem with "riding the system" (collecting welfare or whatever to avoid working); feels entitled to my FIL's money (she and my BIL regularly use his gas card despite the fact that they live independently); uses son as weapon (didn't let us see him for his bday last year because we didn't call on the actual day, had him tell his dad to "go to hell" because she was mad at my BIL)... The list goes on and on. Basically, she doesn't share our values and is so angry at the world that you never know what she will do. My BIL, on the other hand, is a nice guy but totally weak. The SIL runs the show.

There are many years worth of history I'm skipping, but here's the latest. She called last week to invite us for cake and ice cream for our nephew's birthday. This led us into a long discussion because she had chosen not to invite my FIL's girlfriend (MIL passed away about two years ago). We seriously talked for a good hour in a conversation that was basically an exchange of points of view. We agreed on little, but I tried to understand her perspective, and I tried to present the perspective held by myself, my husband, my FIL, my husband's aunt, my husband's grandma, etc. The conversation was in no way hostile or confrontational, and we ended the call on good terms. Two days later, my BIL called that the cake and ice cream had been cancelled because too many people were unavailable. We made plans for them to come here on Sunday (yesterday) instead. They never showed and never called.

This morning, when I opened my email, there was an email from her basically saying she does not want any more contact with us because it will "make things easier" and made reference to my saying she "makes it harder to be around." Now, I did not say that. The closest thing I can recall is that she was saying we make no effort to see our nephew, and I said that the state of the relatinship makes things harder. I said that she was right and that we should see him more, anyway, but that was why we don't.

I already sent an email saying I'm sorry if I said something that hurt her feelings and that that was never my intention. I also said I will respect her wishes (she said not to contact her) but that I hope she will change her mind and contact me.

I'm sure you are reading this and thinking things could not possibly be as one-sided as I portray them. All I can tell you is that this girl just comes from a completely different world and has different ideas about what is acceptable and unacceptable. She feels uncomfortable around us because we don't think it's okay to swear in front of your kid, call your husband an a$$hole, etc. She comes from a home where mom had four kids by three dads, and to her that is normal and okay.

I wouldn't care about not having contact with her if it weren't for our nephew and my husband's brother. Hubby and brother are not particularly close, and hubby is very frustrated with his brother's choices in life (having a kid early, barely graduating high school, no college/real career, marrying SIL, mooching off father...).

I guess my question is, how hard am I supposed to try to maintain these relationships? And what do I do now?

Thanks for listening.

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Christine

Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.

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