Random Question about relationships
#88653 - 07/10/04 08:00 PM
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Hello ya'll
I've obviously been thinking about relationships a ton and me and some of my girlfriends were actually talking about this...
why is it that some people are serial monogomists, and others are commitement phobics!?! I have friends who don't wait more than an hour before serious relationships, and I have others that can't commit for more than five minutes.. or get scared when they actually develop feelings for someone else...
What makes someone ready to settle down? I'm just wondering cause every boy I have ever dated is not ready to settle down?!? No one probably knows the answer.. but its confusing.. cause I seriously am the kinda person that gives everything and loves loves loves.. my mom said that is my greatest asset, and biggest weakness, cause I usually get hurt. Its not that I'm commitment happy.. but I don't understand not being ready..
Anyways, probably a stupid question.. especially since most people on this board are married.. haha maybe there is something IBS and comfort and stability in relationships that is related?!?!
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Hi Ashley!
I don't really have any words of wisdom...but I can tell you from experience that it'll happen when you least expect it. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend even, and I went out on this blind date for the heck of it...6 1/2 years later we were married! I truely believe he's my soal mate!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Hey Pretty Lady,
Women are ready much earlier than men to settle down. Part of it has to do with the fact that we're natural "nesters." Look at you and how you're all ready to get your nest settled down for the winter. I'll betcha that "V" Idiot hasn't even given it a thought! He could care less about nesting.
But wait 'till he's 40. Unfortunately, by then, all the good gals, such as you, will already be "nested down."
Actually, times have changed a LOT. Hubby commented on it just the other day. Women aren't so quick to settle down -- with a man -- nowadays. I see it all the time too; women want their freedom, they wanna have fun and do things without having to do them with that person at home holding them back. Some women are even returning their engagement rings, moving out and finding their own apartments!
Cutie, your mom is right. The ability to love like you do and to receive love in return is a wonderful asset. Don't even THINK of changing. It's what makes you so special. The "V" Dope will one day look back on all this and realize what a fool he was to let someone as genuine as you fall through his fingers, but it may not be for a very long time; after all, he has a LOT of growing up to do! Meanwhile, some great guy is gonna come along and grab you up so fast -- so beware!
Don't forget -- you have your nest to tend to, young lady! 
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hey Ashley,
That's a good question. I myself used to be in the serial monogomist category. From the middle of grade 10 until the end of my first year in college, the longest I went without being in a serious relationship was probably a couple of months. Overall it was great. I enjoy being in a relationship, and I think overall I'm happier and more succesful when I have a girlfriend. I not only have somebody elses support, but I also have someone that I can focus energy and attention on. As well, I generally feel more motivated in all aspects of life and feel more optimistic.
However, the problem I found with that is that each relationship wouldn't be totally seperate. Characteristics from one girlfriend would carry over to another.
After my last really serious relationship ended, I made a bit of conscious effort to stay single for a while, plus, I was busy with school so I was content with that. It was quite hard, cause I was used to always having a girlfriend, but I am glad I was single for a while. I was able to figure out a lot about myself. Things I like, things I don't and what I'm looking for in a potential wife. Unfortunately, now I'm in a situation where I'm not able to meet and get to know anybody that even remotely has what I am looking for. (This town sucks!!!  )
As to answer your question about settling down. That's a tough one. I do know lots of guys who don't really ever want to get married, but I also know a lot who are just waiting for the right girl to come along and are totally ready to settle down. I fall into the latter group, however, commitment can be scary. It's one of those things that you just know and it's not something that can be forced. I've notived, that if there's at all any pressure to settle down, then it makes the other person even less inclined to want to. Kinda weird.
What are your thoughts? What criteria do you have for deciding if a guy is worth it for you to commit?
Interesting post,
Jamie
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yes, i'm one of the few girls who will totally admit to being a commitment-phobe. i am not sure exactly where that comes from, though i have my suspicions.
i have had only a few long-term boyfriends and most of those were terribly dysfunctional relationships (because i pick the "wrong" kinda guy). i had a lot to work out in myself in the past, so apparently kept choosing the same life lessons over and over! 
in the past, if i dated a really nice guy that would have been a good match for me i would panic and dump him.
i'm totally different now, but still terribly picky when it comes to men. i am trying really hard not to fall into the same patterns, so it makes me overly-choosey with men (though, that's just a defense mechanism, too!).
i'd like to meet the right guy and i know i can settle down when i do, but i'm not going to settle for someone who i know isn't right for me. i don't think it's fair to anyone to date someone seriously just because you want company and companionship. if i can't open up to them, then i'm wasting their time.
in my defense, i am terribly loyal (i have never ever cheated on a guy) and in fact was in love with the same man from 19 through 'til just recently. we were just friends and in fact never saw one another, but i think that had a lot to do with why i didn't commit to anyone else for long time. it's not fair to commit to someone when you have feelings about someone else, right?
anyway, enough rambling. thought maybe that might give you just a little insight into the mind of a commitment-phobe.
*j
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I guess I fall into the serial monogamist category. Up till a couple years ago, I hadn't been single for more than a couple months since I was 15. Confession time: I've even been married and divorced *twice*. (Boy, do I have stories, haha.) I always felt like I was ready to settle down, and I never knew WHY. Looking back, I can see it was twofold - part of me is just plain happier with someone to share life with (which is fine), and part of me wanted to continue to stability I had with my family, growing up... which can get a girl into trouble.
After my second marriage went kapoof - he left me for another woman, and I was really screwed up by the entire ordeal - I vowed to stay single for a while. I went on a date here and there for fun, but that was it... and that year sucked, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Honestly. I never saw it, but I'd been consistently hooking up with the same (wrong!) type of guys over and over, and a "break" put enough distance between me and that pattern that I DIDN'T make the same mistake again.
A funny thing, though - I've never dated a commitment-phobe. Maybe it's because I always went for older guys, and "settling down" is more of a priority for them? I really don't know.
I've noticed a pattern with my friends and myself, and actually, even my mother, and some of my aunts: None of us have found ourselves in truly happy relationships until anywhere from the late 20s till mid 30s. I suppose you could get a lot of theories out of that, but I tend to think you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince.
I know none of this really answers your questions, but I'll say this: don't let bad experiences make you bitter and change who you are. Sooner or later, someone WILL come along who's really going to appreciate that loving nature of yours, and everything will click into place.
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You know... I don't think I'm either really. Maybe I'm a third new category, someone who really hates dating (or is really lucky). I had one serious relationship in high school which lasted a year, and after that was finished demolishing itself, I didn't date again for two years. Then I met Eric, got engaged to him after three months, stayed engaged for another 3 years, and married him. So I never casually dated OR had to be in a relationship at all times.
Thus said, my best guess on commitment phobic people is that they haven't met the right person for them yet, or that their priorities are in a very different place from yours (and so they're not the right person for you).
Although I do think relationships take a lot of work to maintain, I do believe that love is something you either know you're in or you don't, pretty quickly, and that you don't have to figure it out. You just have to figure out if you love someone enough not to kill them when they're being incredibly annoying.
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The psychology behind relationships is fascinating, isn't it? In my case, I *always* wanted to have a boyfriend from a very early age. I didn't necessarily always have one, but I was always looking. I wasn't so desperate that I'd just be with anyone, but I was always focused on looking for someone.
In my case, I think I craved a sense of security that my childhood didn't provide. My mom, who is much better now, thank god, was very unstable when I was growing up, so I never knew what to expect from day-to-day. This caused me to seek stability elsewhere.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Casey!
#88728 - 07/11/04 11:46 AM
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When you feel like sitting down to tell it, I for one would be fascinated to read the story behind those relationships!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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hmm interesting..
to answer everyone's questions.. hmm well I don't want to change the way I am about relationships at all.. However, I dont' really have ONE TYPE.. I honestly can find good in every boy I've dated.. my three serious relationships involved really nice boys.. but different from one another. I don't really have a type.. and I could envision making anything work with them. Also, since I've been sixteen, I had a serious relationship for two years.. then a few months off.. then another serious relationship then A MONTH off then Vinnie. Its not that I try to find someone, but they usually come about when I'm not looking, and well go on dates and the three i've been with the longest are the three that made it past the first few dates.
I always thought that love was less about finding the perfect person.. but finding a great person that you're ready and willing to "work" with.. however, I may be wrong.
I know my problem is that I seriously could picture myself in a relationship with any of my exboyfriends and I gave all i could.. to fix things, work things out etc.. while most of them.. scratch that all of them gave up.
its strange though.. one year into our relationship Vinnie asked me to marry him.. he wanted to get eloped before I went away for the summer to work on marthas vineyard.. I said no. MOstly cause I was 21 and I wanted a real wedding.. but he knew he was ready (this was not a formal engagement.. he just kinda threw it out there to test the waters).. and I was ready too, but I didn't want a rushed wedding.. so the summer went on and since his opinion has obviously changed immensely. Before he was ready to commit commit commit.. and then over the subsequent year.. I would mention it and it would be someday. However, I *thought* he was still committed because he did ask me to move in...
Anyways, its so strange how things change and how peoples minds change the way they do. Unfortunately, I'm the kinda person that loves with everything, and wants to fix everything, and hopefully someday someone will appreciate it.
It was really interesting to hear all your stories!
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