Random Question about relationships
#88653 - 07/10/04 08:00 PM
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Hello ya'll
I've obviously been thinking about relationships a ton and me and some of my girlfriends were actually talking about this...
why is it that some people are serial monogomists, and others are commitement phobics!?! I have friends who don't wait more than an hour before serious relationships, and I have others that can't commit for more than five minutes.. or get scared when they actually develop feelings for someone else...
What makes someone ready to settle down? I'm just wondering cause every boy I have ever dated is not ready to settle down?!? No one probably knows the answer.. but its confusing.. cause I seriously am the kinda person that gives everything and loves loves loves.. my mom said that is my greatest asset, and biggest weakness, cause I usually get hurt. Its not that I'm commitment happy.. but I don't understand not being ready..
Anyways, probably a stupid question.. especially since most people on this board are married.. haha maybe there is something IBS and comfort and stability in relationships that is related?!?!
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Hi Ashley!
I don't really have any words of wisdom...but I can tell you from experience that it'll happen when you least expect it. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend even, and I went out on this blind date for the heck of it...6 1/2 years later we were married! I truely believe he's my soal mate!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Hey Pretty Lady,
Women are ready much earlier than men to settle down. Part of it has to do with the fact that we're natural "nesters." Look at you and how you're all ready to get your nest settled down for the winter. I'll betcha that "V" Idiot hasn't even given it a thought! He could care less about nesting.
But wait 'till he's 40. Unfortunately, by then, all the good gals, such as you, will already be "nested down."
Actually, times have changed a LOT. Hubby commented on it just the other day. Women aren't so quick to settle down -- with a man -- nowadays. I see it all the time too; women want their freedom, they wanna have fun and do things without having to do them with that person at home holding them back. Some women are even returning their engagement rings, moving out and finding their own apartments!
Cutie, your mom is right. The ability to love like you do and to receive love in return is a wonderful asset. Don't even THINK of changing. It's what makes you so special. The "V" Dope will one day look back on all this and realize what a fool he was to let someone as genuine as you fall through his fingers, but it may not be for a very long time; after all, he has a LOT of growing up to do! Meanwhile, some great guy is gonna come along and grab you up so fast -- so beware!
Don't forget -- you have your nest to tend to, young lady! 
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hey Ashley,
That's a good question. I myself used to be in the serial monogomist category. From the middle of grade 10 until the end of my first year in college, the longest I went without being in a serious relationship was probably a couple of months. Overall it was great. I enjoy being in a relationship, and I think overall I'm happier and more succesful when I have a girlfriend. I not only have somebody elses support, but I also have someone that I can focus energy and attention on. As well, I generally feel more motivated in all aspects of life and feel more optimistic.
However, the problem I found with that is that each relationship wouldn't be totally seperate. Characteristics from one girlfriend would carry over to another.
After my last really serious relationship ended, I made a bit of conscious effort to stay single for a while, plus, I was busy with school so I was content with that. It was quite hard, cause I was used to always having a girlfriend, but I am glad I was single for a while. I was able to figure out a lot about myself. Things I like, things I don't and what I'm looking for in a potential wife. Unfortunately, now I'm in a situation where I'm not able to meet and get to know anybody that even remotely has what I am looking for. (This town sucks!!!  )
As to answer your question about settling down. That's a tough one. I do know lots of guys who don't really ever want to get married, but I also know a lot who are just waiting for the right girl to come along and are totally ready to settle down. I fall into the latter group, however, commitment can be scary. It's one of those things that you just know and it's not something that can be forced. I've notived, that if there's at all any pressure to settle down, then it makes the other person even less inclined to want to. Kinda weird.
What are your thoughts? What criteria do you have for deciding if a guy is worth it for you to commit?
Interesting post,
Jamie
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yes, i'm one of the few girls who will totally admit to being a commitment-phobe. i am not sure exactly where that comes from, though i have my suspicions.
i have had only a few long-term boyfriends and most of those were terribly dysfunctional relationships (because i pick the "wrong" kinda guy). i had a lot to work out in myself in the past, so apparently kept choosing the same life lessons over and over! 
in the past, if i dated a really nice guy that would have been a good match for me i would panic and dump him.
i'm totally different now, but still terribly picky when it comes to men. i am trying really hard not to fall into the same patterns, so it makes me overly-choosey with men (though, that's just a defense mechanism, too!).
i'd like to meet the right guy and i know i can settle down when i do, but i'm not going to settle for someone who i know isn't right for me. i don't think it's fair to anyone to date someone seriously just because you want company and companionship. if i can't open up to them, then i'm wasting their time.
in my defense, i am terribly loyal (i have never ever cheated on a guy) and in fact was in love with the same man from 19 through 'til just recently. we were just friends and in fact never saw one another, but i think that had a lot to do with why i didn't commit to anyone else for long time. it's not fair to commit to someone when you have feelings about someone else, right?
anyway, enough rambling. thought maybe that might give you just a little insight into the mind of a commitment-phobe.
*j
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I guess I fall into the serial monogamist category. Up till a couple years ago, I hadn't been single for more than a couple months since I was 15. Confession time: I've even been married and divorced *twice*. (Boy, do I have stories, haha.) I always felt like I was ready to settle down, and I never knew WHY. Looking back, I can see it was twofold - part of me is just plain happier with someone to share life with (which is fine), and part of me wanted to continue to stability I had with my family, growing up... which can get a girl into trouble.
After my second marriage went kapoof - he left me for another woman, and I was really screwed up by the entire ordeal - I vowed to stay single for a while. I went on a date here and there for fun, but that was it... and that year sucked, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Honestly. I never saw it, but I'd been consistently hooking up with the same (wrong!) type of guys over and over, and a "break" put enough distance between me and that pattern that I DIDN'T make the same mistake again.
A funny thing, though - I've never dated a commitment-phobe. Maybe it's because I always went for older guys, and "settling down" is more of a priority for them? I really don't know.
I've noticed a pattern with my friends and myself, and actually, even my mother, and some of my aunts: None of us have found ourselves in truly happy relationships until anywhere from the late 20s till mid 30s. I suppose you could get a lot of theories out of that, but I tend to think you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince.
I know none of this really answers your questions, but I'll say this: don't let bad experiences make you bitter and change who you are. Sooner or later, someone WILL come along who's really going to appreciate that loving nature of yours, and everything will click into place.
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You know... I don't think I'm either really. Maybe I'm a third new category, someone who really hates dating (or is really lucky). I had one serious relationship in high school which lasted a year, and after that was finished demolishing itself, I didn't date again for two years. Then I met Eric, got engaged to him after three months, stayed engaged for another 3 years, and married him. So I never casually dated OR had to be in a relationship at all times.
Thus said, my best guess on commitment phobic people is that they haven't met the right person for them yet, or that their priorities are in a very different place from yours (and so they're not the right person for you).
Although I do think relationships take a lot of work to maintain, I do believe that love is something you either know you're in or you don't, pretty quickly, and that you don't have to figure it out. You just have to figure out if you love someone enough not to kill them when they're being incredibly annoying.
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The psychology behind relationships is fascinating, isn't it? In my case, I *always* wanted to have a boyfriend from a very early age. I didn't necessarily always have one, but I was always looking. I wasn't so desperate that I'd just be with anyone, but I was always focused on looking for someone.
In my case, I think I craved a sense of security that my childhood didn't provide. My mom, who is much better now, thank god, was very unstable when I was growing up, so I never knew what to expect from day-to-day. This caused me to seek stability elsewhere.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Casey!
#88728 - 07/11/04 11:46 AM
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When you feel like sitting down to tell it, I for one would be fascinated to read the story behind those relationships!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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hmm interesting..
to answer everyone's questions.. hmm well I don't want to change the way I am about relationships at all.. However, I dont' really have ONE TYPE.. I honestly can find good in every boy I've dated.. my three serious relationships involved really nice boys.. but different from one another. I don't really have a type.. and I could envision making anything work with them. Also, since I've been sixteen, I had a serious relationship for two years.. then a few months off.. then another serious relationship then A MONTH off then Vinnie. Its not that I try to find someone, but they usually come about when I'm not looking, and well go on dates and the three i've been with the longest are the three that made it past the first few dates.
I always thought that love was less about finding the perfect person.. but finding a great person that you're ready and willing to "work" with.. however, I may be wrong.
I know my problem is that I seriously could picture myself in a relationship with any of my exboyfriends and I gave all i could.. to fix things, work things out etc.. while most of them.. scratch that all of them gave up.
its strange though.. one year into our relationship Vinnie asked me to marry him.. he wanted to get eloped before I went away for the summer to work on marthas vineyard.. I said no. MOstly cause I was 21 and I wanted a real wedding.. but he knew he was ready (this was not a formal engagement.. he just kinda threw it out there to test the waters).. and I was ready too, but I didn't want a rushed wedding.. so the summer went on and since his opinion has obviously changed immensely. Before he was ready to commit commit commit.. and then over the subsequent year.. I would mention it and it would be someday. However, I *thought* he was still committed because he did ask me to move in...
Anyways, its so strange how things change and how peoples minds change the way they do. Unfortunately, I'm the kinda person that loves with everything, and wants to fix everything, and hopefully someday someone will appreciate it.
It was really interesting to hear all your stories!
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haha.. I don't really have criteria.. if I find them incredible.. then I'll commit..
I personally know RIGHT AWAY if someone is gonna work.. everyone that has lasted past a few dates, I have fallen in love with. My problem is that I can could picture myself LONG TERM with every guy i've seriously dated. Unfortunately I dont' think I discriminate well enough. haha
My criteria is that I'm in love with them.. then i'll settle down.
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Ok, maybe I shouldn't have made it sound like the stories were THAT interesting, LOL! But I really don't mind talking about it at all, so...
My first marriage was one big fat hairy mistake. I was 19, he was 21, and I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. The first 6 months of our marriage were bliss. Then he lost his job, became alcoholic, and turned terribly abusive. It took me a year and a half to work up the guts to leave him, but one day, I just left, with whatever I could fit in my car. He stalked me for a few months afterwards, including one semi-serious attempt on my life, but thankfully, he met someone else quickly and left me alone after that.
My second marriage was a little more normal, but only slightly. I was 25, he was... quite a bit older. (*cough37cough*) Unlike the first time around, we never had the 6 months of bliss; everything was fine until, literally, the honeymoon was over. There was no abuse, it was just very obvious that it was another huge mistake. We tried to work things out, but it was really just not happening. He was (and had been for some time, I felt) hopelessly in love with a friend of his, whom he claimed was a lesbian, and one day just said that he couldn't be married to me anymore. At the time, I was unemployed and having a hard time finding work... so with no income, I still lived with him for almost 5 months, while he was dating the "lesbian" to whom he's now married... that was rough on the ol' ego, let me tell you.
Hmm, come to think of it, my serious relationships read kind of like a Jerry Springer episode, huh? ROFL!
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ACK!!! Jamie, you changed your picture!!!! Where's my favorite pilot? Did you kidnap him??!!  Just kiddin', cutie!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Quote:
Confession time: I've even been married and divorced *twice*.
Casey, that's nothing!! My grandmother was married and divorced twice -- to the SAME MAN!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Miracles
#88748 - 07/11/04 12:52 PM
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LauraSue
Reged: 01/14/04
Posts: 4812
Loc: New York City
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Aw, Casey, that's a darn shame. Life certainly has a funny way of playing tricks on us huh?
The guy my grandma married twice (my biological grandfather), both times she threw him out and divorced him for drinking and cheating on her. My mom says they used to have fights when he came home drunk where Gram would be literally throwing every plate in the kitchen at his damn head.
Anyway, her story had a happy ending. After one more short marriage to a guy with red hair and the last name Cherry (yeah , you got it, he was known as "Red" Cherry -- I'm NOT making this up), anyway, after Red, she met the nicest man, Lloyd Ellis, at work. They were both in their 40's, he'd never been married, had been in the service, worked as a railroad engineer in a good union job. He adored my grandma, they got married just before I was born, and I grew up knowing Lloyd as "Pa," my beloved grandpa.
They lived happily ever after in a beautiful house on a lake until Lloyd's death of a heart attack in 1977. When my Gram was getting senile she used to tell me that Pa had been there that day to visit her in the nursing home. That still makes me cry.
So everybody out there on this thread, BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!! One happened for my grandma.
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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In between marriage #1 and marriage #2, I met a guy named Adam. The relationship didn't end badly, exactly, I just didn't take any of it seriously, and eventually, we lost touch altogether.
Four years went by, during which time marriage #2 happened and ended. I'd been wondering about him, where and how he was, and on a whim, I found him online and dropped him a quick note to say hi. That was last summer. Long story short, I moved in with him in September (which involved moving from NY to Maine), and it seriously just gets better and better every day.
I liked your grandma's story. I love happy endings. That bit about her in the nursing home made me tear up, too!
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You don't like the new pic?
Here, how about just for you I'll put on my uniform (first the 'whites' and then the flightsuit) take lots of pictures and then send them to you? Or better yet, I'll send and extra uniform then you can get your husband to dress up for you.
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Okay, I've only had one Jack. (Okay, damnit, two.) But I ain't by any means snockered -- okay, I'm feelin pretty good -- but damnitalltohell, there ain't no picture there!
Is it me? Hey everyone -- do you see a picture there? What the hell happened to Jamie's picture?!
Whaddya mean, "new picture," LS? There's nothing there!
Okay, I've had too much Jack......
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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LOL!
#88796 - 07/11/04 04:34 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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It took a few seconds to load, but it's there now. Try again! It's a *fantastic* new picture of Jamie. 
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LOL, Jamie!! I dunno, I'm not sure I'm ready for the sight of Andy in a uniform!! If you knew him, you'd be afraid....you'd be VERY afraid....!!!
Besides I NEVER said I didn't like the new pic! Re-read my post. You're misquoting and distorting what I said, gorgeous!! I'm just not good with change, even change for the better! Just had to give you a wee bit of grief, so you know I still love ya!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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That's weird, Bev. Try pressing F5 to refresh the page. Or have another drink! he he
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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You guys think you're fooling me. Well, I ain't so easily fooled. F5 doesn't do a damn thing. There's no picture there, and you can't tell me otherwise! Do ya think I was born YESTERDAY!?
Don't answer that.
I need another Jack.
Bevvvvvvyyyyy
P.S.: I must be in worse shape than I thought. All the posts are "neutral." Nothing's highlighted. I guess I've read them all. too much celebrating. the new property looks bitchin'! We came back, soaking with sweat, and needing some refreshments. Everyone needs refreshments, don't they? Lots done, no time to clean it all up -- i'm exhausted! we cleaned for HOURS, no time to wash the windows. The new neighbor is so cute, I'd like her to meet our gorgeous hunk, Jamie. She's so pretty and single and working in Renton! -- OMG, can you imagine commuting from Bellingham to south of Seattle? Oy. She said she loves coming up here and getting away from there. She's so pretty, my only neighbor, I like her a lot, I think I need another Jack.....
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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LMBO BEV
#88807 - 07/11/04 05:16 PM
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ibsgrl
Reged: 04/18/04
Posts: 1060
Loc: Canada
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Yes, pressing F5 DOES refresh the page. Hey LS I never even KNEW that before! cool!
And yes Jamie does have a new picture.
Hm BEv, i agree, another Jack it is...
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Worms
#88809 - 07/11/04 05:21 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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There's no damn picture there! ARGGGGHHH! I pressed F5 again, and it flashed, but I don't get no damn picture!
Okay, I get the joke. Very funny. Now where's my flyboy, damnitall?!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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You know, someone else was mentioning this same problem about a month ago. I can't remember what the deal was or whether it was resolved. But they couldn't see the pictures either. So you're not crazy, Bev. ....Well, you ARE, but not about this!!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Hey Sis,
I don't see NO PICTURE either and I ain't had no JACK!!!
Barbie
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I SEE IT NOW!!!!! CUTE>>>>>>>
Barbie
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It's kinda funny, I like to be in monogamus relationships, but am still a commitment phobe. When I am into someone, they are the only person I can think about, but I still am afraid of the "M" words (moving in and marriage). I read your post that you explained how Vinnie asked you to marry him. Weird, ain't it? Everyone says that girls are the ones that want to settle down, but every relationship I have been in the guy mentions marriage or "the future" first. I try not to look that far ahead. I kinda wish that I hadn't found my BF when I did, we got together literally weeks after I broke up with my long-time abusive ex-boyfriend, but we took things really slow so they worked out fine.
Things may get a little hairy when I get alittle older, since I haven't had a taste of the night life yet. My BF (he's 23) has and is already tired of it, so it may complicate things. But we'll deal with that when we get there! We just got out of a rough patch, and if we could get through that we can work through anything.
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-Sheri
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Re: Worms
#88886 - 07/11/04 09:02 PM
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JBI
Reged: 01/25/04
Posts: 579
Loc: BC, Canada
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Hey Bev, you sound like fun after you've hung out with Jack I especially liked the use of 'bitchin'
Just for you, here's a link to the picture, a little bigger cause I'm sure after all that Jack focusing might be tough
new picture
Let me know if it works
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Wow.. What a great story all around. Now that is some FASCINATING living right there. You could be the star of your own soap. I mean, with attempts on your life and living with your ex while he dates his future wife, it's all there! You're our own Erika Kane.
Seriously, though, thank you for sharing. I'm happy for you that you have found happiness with Adam. Isn't it funny how we all have our own roads to love and peace?
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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It's My Flyboy!
#88918 - 07/12/04 07:10 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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I got the picture! Yaay! What a handsome dude.
But where's that gorgeous uniform? And I don't see any pony tail in the back?
I'm not really a lush -- not really. (But don't tell LS.) We were really tired after working so hard down at the new property, cleaning up after all the subcontractors. What a mess flooring installers make! Oy. Then, when we got back home, we moved some furniture around from condo to storage container to other storage container. I was exhausted, and after a shower we celebrated with a little Jack.
And then maybe just a little more..... 
Yeah, we had a good time. We're pretty excited. I think this stress rash I have is really an excitement rash. If the subs keep up the work pace of this past week, it IS possible for us to move in 2-1/2 weeks from now ...... OMG!
Anyway, thanks for sharing your pic, Jamie. It just amazes me that some gal hasn't grabbed ahold of you by now. I don't care what silly question you might have asked in the movie theater, it just makes you more endearing, that's all -- more approachable, eh?
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Whaddaya mean, you're not a lush??!! You have to be, since I can't anymore!! Okay, here's a deep dark secret! When I first started working my first job after college, I met a great group of friends -- one of them is still among my best girlfriends. Anyway, we were on a job out of town together, which meant dinner out every night. I would pick the restaurant based on what I was in the mood to have as a drink before dinner -- you know, if I craved red wine, we went to the Italian place, beer was Chinese, gin and tonic was the steak house. Needless to say, my dear friends nicknamed me....
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.here it comes
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wait for it
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.drum roll please
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"LAURA THE LUSH!!!"
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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L the L
#88993 - 07/12/04 10:16 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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THAT'S your "deepest, darkest secret"? THAT?
Oh, I am SOOOOO not telling you mine!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Did I say deepest? Did I say darkest? You can't read, silly! I deliberately said deep dark, no "est" on the end. he he
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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