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I think I forgave my mother a long time ago; I don't hold any grudges or hang onto any kind of hate or anything like that. Actually, in 1986 I made an attempt to rekindle a relationship with her, but it was a total disaster; the entire time she was out here, I was sick to my stomach. When I put her on the plane back to Virginia and told her our relationship was not going to work out, as I left the gate, I felt such a lifting of pressure off my shoulders as I literally ran back to my car.
I haven't seen or heard from her since. I don't know if she's still alive. Herein lies my fear. Will I rot in hell for defying one of the Tenth Commandments? I have absolutely no respect for her -- NONE. And if she's dead, well, I'm sorry, but well, that's too bad.
Okay, I'm a horrible person. But I don't wanna rot in hell. What do I say to God when I arrive at his door to explain myself? As much as I fear this, it's not enough to make nice-nice to that woman (if she's still alive).
Okay, there's that rambling thing again.
Barb, good luck with the counselor. I don't know why your self esteem is shot, but I hope it's nothing from any of your fellow employees. You're obviously very good at what you do, and you love it so much, don't allow anyone -- ANYONE -- to ruin this for you!
Please don't be such a stranger around here if you can help it. You have so much to bring to the table; we really appreciate you here.
Your friend,
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I just had to say that I did the writing exercise like you describe, Gayla. The funny part was after I tore it up and wanted to dispose of it. First I tried flushing it down the toilet but it wouldn't go!!! Then I tried throwing it down the compacter chute in our apartment building, but there was an updraft and it just blew back in my face!! It was too funny. It was like my "bad" daddy was still getting his last licks in! The good news is after forgiving my "bad" daddy, my good daddy and I were very close for the last few years of his life. My goodness, what a blessing and what a miracle. But that "bad" daddy sure didn't want to let go!!!! 
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Bev...
#80414 - 06/17/04 10:58 AM
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BarbaraS
Reged: 02/12/03
Posts: 1939
Loc: Wisconsin
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you can't rot in hell for defying one of the ten commandments. There are many places in the Bible God commands parents to treat their children with respect. Parents have an incredible responsbility to raise their children with values, morals, be God fearing, love, protect, nurture, encourage, etc.
My parents failed to do the above list - how can I honor those people. They are not role models. I can't honor people who disrepect me and have no regard for me as a human being. I never felt safe as a child and even as an adult from my parents. As an adult it wasn't physcial safety I worried about as much as my emotional safety.
Besides your mother never contacted you and you are her child. That doesn't sound like a woman I want to honor - rejecting her own daughter. I'm am happy you have a wonderful husband and long marriage to him.
The couseling went well this morning and yes my self esteem is shot due to the girls I work with. The counselor helped me realize I personalize things too much. I walked in telling her I don't know what I did wrong and I wish they could tell me. The counselor stopped me right away and told me to slow down. We talked for an hour and I'm more prepared to handle my last night working with these girls on Saturday. I also realized how much I've allowed the girls to mistreat me too, by not standing up for myself.
Thanks for your encouragement Bev - you are an awesome person.
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Gayla.
#80416 - 06/17/04 11:02 AM
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BarbaraS
Reged: 02/12/03
Posts: 1939
Loc: Wisconsin
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thanks for you post. Your view on forgivenees is great!!! I'm sorry you had to work through pain concerning your dad, but glad to know you are at peace now.
I feel better after my counseling session this morining (more likely I won't go back), but the counselor asked me what is the number reason why people change. She said it is pain, whether physical or mental, but pain is what causes us to make changes within ourselves.
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Bev
#80418 - 06/17/04 11:06 AM
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gigi
Reged: 03/21/04
Posts: 1442
Loc: South Texas
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Dearest Bev,
You have done everything humanly possible to rise above the past. When you reached out and invited your mother to visit, it was an attempt of the grandest proportions to bring your and her life to a place where you could "Honor your Father and Mother". Obviously it fell apart in front of you, it was not meant to be! You can take that to the bank!! You are NOT a horrible person, you have forgiven her, given reconciliation your best shot, it still was NOT MEANT TO BE !! And Bev, that can absolutely come from God!!
You did not let the past beat you down, I am telling you once again, I think you are the BEST for giving it that extra mile. Do not beat yourself up about it!
As for rotting in HEll, there is a way to make sure that you do not go there!! All you have to do is get down on your knees, talk to God!! He gave his only son, so that we may have everlasting life!! By accepting Jesus into your heart, all of your sins will be forgiven !!!! Erased !!! There will be no need to explain your self to God when you arrive at Heaven, the gates will open wide for you to walk right through !!
If you are interested in hearing more, and want help with this, send me a PM. I will talk to you until I run out of breathe !!! Sweetly of course. You are not rambling Bev, you are reaching out! I truly believe that God sent me here at this moment to read the posts, so I could be here for you and do my best to answer any questions you may have. If for some reason I feel I don't have every answer you need, I can surely get help to answer them for you! I certainly do not want you to go to HEll either !! THat is very important to me and my place as a Christian to help you!
You are not a "horrible person", far from it girl !
I am here for you, with a heart full of love, gayla
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What an awesome post, you are so right! God gave us our children as gifts, they are not OURS! They belong to him, we are to do everythng for them that you just stated. Your parents and Bev's mom did not honor that committment!
Both of you, believe me, it will come back around to them !
Everything does !!! Amen!
You go Barbara, you have found a great therapist. You take those tools she gave you and walk right in with them Saturday and DO NOT BE AFRAID to use them.
One little thing that might help you take that step is, you just spent GOOD-BIG-MONEY to get that help. You have to use it now!!!! saying a prayer for you, gayla
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WHY don't we stand up for ourselves?
While I've been estranged from my younger brother and my mother, I had a relationship with my older brother up until 8 years ago. I love him so much, and to this day I miss him something awful. But I just won't tolerate being mentally abused any longer.
When my bro got married, I really tried to get along with his B----. I really did. When she laughed at me (AT me, not WITH me), I laughed at myself too, even though I was hurting inside. Once, after a couple of Jacks, I fought back. We had a HUGE fight; it was not a pretty picture. She and my bro left my house, and we became estranged for 3 years. I was miserable.
So when my bro wrote me 3 years later and wanted to make up, I tried to put the past out of my mind, and made nice-nice with his B----. I did good, REAL good -- so good, in fact, that she and my bro asked my hubby and me to be Godparents to their newly born son. I loved that little boy so much, and hated to see how that B---- spoiled the hell out of him. I said nothing.
As he grew, he got a little out of control. Still I said nothing. At dinner one Christmas, she turned to Don and me and said, "Am I spoiling him too much?" Still I said nothing. I was being a good sister-in-law and a terrific sis -- wasn't I?
But when my Godson began showing a total lack of respect for me, echoing the words and actions of his mother, I lost it. I checked with her first, and asked her if she wanted me to reprimand him or if she wanted to do it herself; she said for me to do it. So I did.
That was the end of our relationship. She BLASTED me. I fought back, but my bro supported her. That was 8 years ago.
I miss my bro. I love him dearly, but it's all over; I'll never see him again.
I'm tired of being a doormat. Why does family treat each other like this? WHY?
I have no idea how my Godson turned out. Well, actually, I DO have an idea, and it's not a pretty picture. I'm disappointed -- and I miss the little boy I loved so much. But I'm also very mean-spirited because I wish I could be a fly on the wall when my Godson leaves home, because that B---- will totally fall apart. And she deserves it.
See how I am?
I'd rather have no family than a family like I have. And I feel I'm to blame for most of it -- because I never stood up for myself, allowing myself to be laughed at, made fun of, and even mentally abused. Why? WHY? Do I have so little self esteem that I tolerate this kind of behavior from my so-called "loved ones"? Was I responsible for my mother's abuse of me as well because I didn't fight back? I was scared to death of her; if I had fought back she'd have beat me with that wooden paddle of hers until I had boils on my butt.
You're right. I have a wonderful, loving husband, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm a lucky gal.
Barb, I love your counselor. It sounds like she's REALLY helping you! Good for her -- and good for you.
BTW, you're pretty awesome yourself.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Thank You, Gayla
#80429 - 06/17/04 11:31 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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What a lovely post. Sure made me cry.
You make me feel a lot better. Thank you.
I figure that if I'm a good person, if I am a sympathetic, kind, considerable person in this life, that perhaps it might weigh heavily in my favor when I get to The Gate. I'm hoping, at least.
I don't mean to give you the impression that I had a childhood of hell. While my mother was not very nice, and created an extremely dysfunctional family, to say the least, I had a magnificent father who loved us all VERY much. His death in 1972 was one of the worst times of my life. I have terrific memories of him, something my mother has tried to ruin because she knew what my daddy meant to me, and I think it drove her crazy. As I said, she was not a nice person.
My biggest fear was that I was just like her. It used to eat me up, and everytime I looked in the mirror I'd see her ugly face. But when I tried to rekindle our relationship that time, it was a chance to see her again after a long estrangement, and I saw a very different person than I was. It was a big relief to see that I was not like her in any way; maybe in the face, but most definitely not in any other manner. I have a lot of my daddy in me, thank GOD!
Thanks again for your incredible support, Gayla. I won't forget it.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Thats so sweet Bev!
From reading past posts, I know how much you loved your daddy (thats how we say down here in the good ole South)!
It sounds to me that he really loved you soooooo much, he not only told you and showed you, he lived it!! More Amen !!
You are so blessed to have had him !! For me, my MOM is the greatest!! The most patient Momma in the world, she had no choice but to be patient with me!!
You are a great friend !!! And a good ole BROAD!!!
I think I may actually BE A BROAD now !!!!!
What do you think??? gayla
One more thing, I do definitely understand the woman with a cruel and mean heart !! Remember my post about my MIL!! I swear, the first breathe she ever drew was a mean one !!! She's hurt me and broken my heart on countless occasions, and loved every minute of it. I also have put her aside! When I look at her, and she was a beautiful woman in her younger years (extremely vain too). She now weighs about 89lbs, walks with a cane (something she hates!! and doesnt want to go out in public because people may see her like this?? I swear.....). She is 79, still just as hateful as ever. This is one of the things that has made my walk as a Christian extremely trying. She doesn't get under my skin anymore, I gave all of that heartache to God. Amen !!!
have a good afternoon ya ole Broad !!! gayla
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