Dear Diary -- My MIL sent this to me. Gym membership, good for a laugh.
#255590 - 03/31/06 03:09 PM
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hohoyumyum
Reged: 05/28/03
Posts: 2263
Loc: SacTown, CA
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Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress. ---MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my
pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse
was so fast, but I attributed I t to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! ---TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. ---WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too. ---THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. ---FRIDAY: I hate that broad Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ---SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. ---SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank G-D that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my (sadistic) wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
-------------------- ***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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-------------------- Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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-------------------- Everything in life happens for a reason, patience will eventually tell us what that is......
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this is hilarious!! My husband had to come and check to see what I was laughing at. Thanks for the laugh. Sue
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