Did I do the right thing? (long rant..sorry)
#254336 - 03/24/06 09:46 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
I'm posting this here because I know if I ask any of my girlfriends or family, their responses are not going to be as objective.
My boyfriend and I broke up in January of this year and it was a very amicable breakup. We are absolutely still as love with one another as ever. It tears me up because we are so great together. The main reason we split is because we were keeping up a long distance relationship in two states. He absolutely refused to move here and I just feel it would be way too stressful at this point in my life to move there. I am about to graduate law school in CA. I've invested about $100k in my education and three years of grueling studying. I am involved heavily in studying CA criminal prosecution and really really want to continue to do so.
So the problem for me lies in that moving to another state (AZ in this case) makes it hard. I would have to give up all my headway here, take the CA bar, then move, take the AZ bar and basically not be able to practice law for another year and a half.
So why not do it and just move there? Well, the ex doesn't have a stable career. He's still figuring out what to do with his life, lives with his buddies and has really no sense of responsibility. I got really tired of being the "heavy" in the relationship always feeling like I was the adult and he was the teenager. But besides all that...we were perfect.
I know that I am probably better off, but we talked tonight and I just cried and cried. I just can't feel better. I still love him tremendously. I worry that I am being too selfish, that I am putting my career ahead of him? I just wonder if I did the right thing.
Thanks if you managed to stick out reading this whole thing 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You did the right thing. You have to take care of yourself first. You've invested so much time and work and money into your education. If you want to be involved CA Criminal Prosecution then you should. So many people give up the life they want for some one else. I think that once you fall in love with someone, you will always love them in some way. But sometimes two people go in two directions. Stick to your path and stay his friend. If one day your paths cross again and you can be more, then that will be wonderful. But in the meantime, don't feel bad about your decision to take care of yourself.
--------------------
***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Everything HoHoYumYum said is right on! You need to take care of yourself. You have a career goal, and you need to continue to work toward that.
Don't give up your dreams for another person. I did that once. Worst move I ever made...literally and figuratively.   I gave up a job in my field and moved to a very rural area for a guy. Sure, I learned a lot, but if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't make the same move. Lousy relationship.
In an earlier relationship, I broke up with another guy for reasons similar to yours. We were only about 100 miles apart, but I was in grad school at the time and had direction. My boyfriend...not so much. It hurt, but it was for the best.
You have to take care of yourself. *hugs* I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I agree with the other two.
don't put your life on hold and settle for a guy (I know its hard though when you love him.. but you should always love yourself more in a relationship). chances are you'll end up resentful, and even in a perfect relationship, resentment kills.
Anyways.. you need to stick with your dreams and your life, and when the right guy comes around, he will love those dreams and encourage them.. not try to take them away.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
A teacher of mine once told me that people who ask for advice usually already know the answer. I think you know you made the right choice in your life, but now you're second guessing yourself and need validation.
My advice would be to continue your education and your career, look out for yourself because he won't do what is best for you.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
If he doesn't have a stable career, then why should YOU be the one to move when you're the one tied up geographically?? That's a huge red flag. Of course, I don't know details -- maybe he has a sick mother in AZ, but I think you would've mentioned that.
Everyone else gave you good advice, and like Gracie said, I think you already know that you made the right decision.
If he's the same age as you are, he probably still has a lot of growing up to do (men tend to be sorta subhuman until they hit 30 or so), so you may make it someday yet. But for now ... you've made the right choice. I know it sucks and you probably feel like crap, but you just have to move on anyway. If he has no true ties in Arizona, then the decision to break up is really his, no matter how mutual the breakup was.
--------------------
jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Wow, Gracie. I think you hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I made the right decision for all the reasons you guys stated, but I was definitely second-guessing myself. Yeah, he has no ties in AZ so I suppose the decision was mostly his. He basically said, mind you after about a year of telling me he wanted to move to CA, that he never would. Then followed up with if this is going to work I want you to move here. I probably would've done so in a heartbeat had he had as stable a life as mine and something to offer me in the "security" department.
The crappy thing is that after our conversation last night, I feel like I am the one being selfish and unreasonable, but in my heart I know it was him. Arrrggghhh! Live and learn, right?
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
AmandaM
#254397 - 03/25/06 12:39 PM
|
|
|
|
Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
|
|
|
I hate it when guys string us along instead of just being the badguy and telling us the truth!! They say the reason guys lie to girls is the same reason they lie to their mothers. They don't want us to love them "less." Who is that fair to?? You absolutely did the right thing. Good for you, grl.
~nelly~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
You Betcha!
#254416 - 03/25/06 03:01 PM
|
|
|
|
Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
|
|
|
Girl, you gotta look out for number one before you can look out for anyone else. While I'm sure you and the BF would be perfect together, on the slim chance that you might have moved down there and it didn't work between you, what then? You've invested too much into your future to throw it all away now. Finish your schooling, take the Bar, and visit back and forth with the BF during summer and spring breaks. Then, once you pass the Bar, you can re-think your options. I'm sure you could easily pass the Bar in Arizona -- IF you decided you really wanted to leave California. Sure, it's great to think of you and the BF living together, but first you have to think of how you will support yourself, especially since it sounds like he ain't gonna.
Above all, you want to never look back and think, "What IF..."
--------------------
<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You're absolutely right. I am beating myself up about the what if's and it's driving me nuts. I think I just am going to grieve and move on. I gotta. I got way more to do on my "to-do" list before I am even ready to settle down, much less give it all for love. 
Besides, I think it's his loss, right? Haha...Thanks again.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
