Broken Heart
#229180 - 12/04/05 10:53 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Adrian and I have decided to seperate come January. It might come as a surprise that it actually has nothing to do with my recent dilemma about whether to stay in Canada or move back to England.
I haven't been posting because I feel like people probably don't want to hear me moaning anymore, but things have been really bad. I am only posting now becauase I am literally entirely alone and completely desperate for someone to talk to.
Adrian has been so irritable and grumpy. He is mad at me all the time. I end up feeling guilty and anxious, which makes my tummy bad and I have been getting terrible headaches.
He keeps doing things that make me feel grumpy at him as well. For example, three days in a row he forgot to pick me up from the transit station and I had to call my Dad. Very embarassing. He doesn't want to.. be intimiate.. with me hardly ever. He always has an excuse, but I'm not stupid. All these things that keep happening make me feel foolish and like I can't trust him to do the things he says he will.
We keep trying to talk about it, but he shuts me down every time. For weeks now, I have been feeling like I am just waiting for us to finally break up.. which terrifies me because even when things are bad, he is still my favourite thing.
We ended up talking yesterday, in the parking lot of a mall no less, and he put it all out there: He feels resentful of me because I am sick all the time. This one was like a punch in the gut. I gave him an out over a year ago, told him how it was going to be. Everyone had convinced me he wouldn't want to be with me. He acted INSULTED that I would even suggested it. How lucky was I to have found someone who would love me anyway? But I guess I was wrong. And foolish, again. The worst part is, I totally UNDERSTAND. I wouldn't want to be with me either!
He said that he feels like he has to take care of me all the time, and that he can't count on me for support. I think that is ridiculous. I have never had ANYONE take real care of me, and have always been on my own for the stomach thing and have never asked him once to "take care of me". Besides that, when I get really sick with the flu or when I broke my foot he doesn't do anything extraordinary to help me out. Doesn't pamper me or anything, so I don't know what he is talking about. As for supporting him, I never talk about myself anymore as I always only listen to what is going on with him, I sympathise and give him hugs and make him food and everything.. I don't know what else he wants me to do.
Finally, he said that he thinks he does so much for me and I do so little for him (ouch) that if we were to break up, he would be sad at first but he would be pretty much the same as he is now. He says he feels alone with me.
I have never been so hurt in my life. I have been crying for practically a whole day (since yesterday). My face looks like a war zone. How could he feel these things about me and stay with me? He says we will work it out before January, and we can stay together, but HOW? I am not going to suddenly get better. He can't tell me what he wants me to do, so I can't fix that. I can't make him want to be intimate with me.
I am so afraid of all the "I told you so"s if this all ends up on the scrap heap. I have no friends because of everything that's happened, except for one who is moving away soon. I haven't told anybody what is going on, and I am tearing myself apart.
I want to talk to a counsellor SO BADLY but I can't afford it.
I don't want to eat anything, I feel like I could throw up, I feel like I am just such a horrible person to have done this to someone else.
The reason I said we are waiting until January is because of Christmas, but really it is because I have arranged for his parents to come over for a surprise visit next week and I want us to be together for that as they are staying with my family and everything.
I honestly don't know what I am doing to do. I feel devestated. I need a hug.
Steph.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hugs for Steph
#229183 - 12/04/05 11:13 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Wow.
Steph, I don't think this has anything AT ALL to do with you. Maybe Adrian doesn't realize it himself, but I think he's trying to find reasons why it will not work with you so that he can return to England with a clear conscience. I truly don't think it's about you.
It angers me that people end relationships like this, digging the knife in when it's really not necessary. If you want to leave, just leave; don't pour salt in the wound. Do the classy thing, just go. This is showing you another side of Adrian, and I'm sorry, but it's not a nice one.
There is absolutely no point in hurting you like this, other than to belittle you and make you feel worse about yourself. I thought he was better than that. Actually, this is a good thing, Steph. While it hurts now, at least you know that he's the kind of person who would do this to you. He's doing you a favor, finding out NOW what he's really like.
You have a lot going for you, and you can prove it now. If it were me, I would reach down into the deep recesses of myself to pull out the very best in me, to show his family the kind of classy person I am. I would have them over as planned, and I would put on the biggest smile I could muster up. I would show them a fabulous time, be the best I could possibly be. And then, when they left, I'd kick Adrian's sorry A$$ out with a big smile and an incredible kiss that he'd never forget. And then I'd forget he ever existed, while he returns to England with a big question mark over his head, wondering if he made the biggest mistake of his life.
Then, after he left, I'd break down. I'd get it all out of my system, and then I'd pick myself up, dust myself off, and MOVE ON. You deserve better, don't settle for anything less, Steph. Frankly, I think, after you get through the grieving, you'll do soooo much better without him.
BIGGGG HUG!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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i'm sorry to hear whats going on. he sounds like he blames you for anything that goes wrong...which is messed up. your tumy problem isn't your fault either. its not like you take a pill too feel like crap...if somone doens't want to be with you, and doesn't accept you for you...screw them. who needs that [censored]...mike was being crappy not to long ago if you rememeber....like everything was my fault, we are still working on stuff..i don't know where the path will lead....
i'll write more later, ok?
take care
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Girl, this sucks! 
I'm kinda new to the boards, so I don't know what has been going with you guys before now.....but, he sounds like a TOTAL JERK!! I don't think you SHOULD UNDERSTAND how he's feeling at all......not one bit!!! But.......I know you love him, though, so what can ya do??!! 
First of all, I don't want to offend you in any way. If say anything to upset you, I'm sorry!!!!  I'm just calling it like I see it, K??? HUGS*!!
I could not imagine my husband saying things like that to me....."that he feels resentful of me because I'm sick all the time"???? OMG!!! He would never say anything like that to me to begin with. He feels just as bad as I do when I'm sick. WE ARE ONE!!! When I'm sick, he's sick. His stomach is screwed up the whole time mine is because he's worried about me and my health and our marriage. Your man sounds like he is really REALLY self-centered. Like he's in this relationship just for himself. "What's in it for him, right????!!!!" (Just an observation). I was in a relationship like this once and he looks alot like your man, too. Needless to say, he was in it for him and I kicked his *&*^@$ to the freakin' curb years ago!!! I can't handle men like that.......no matter how sick I am. I can only handle sooooo much abuse before I'm just done!!!!
And you "feed him, listen to him, give him hugs" and he thinks he does so much for you and you do so little for him!?!? Girl, kick his butt to the curb and find a man who will love you no matter what. I know it's hard, but it is possible. And you ARE worth loving!!! NO matter what your medical condition is......
I feel so bad for you!!!  Wish I was there to help you out. It's hard going through something like this ........ESPECIALLY when you're sick AND alone. I was alone when I kicked that other guy out, too, and it was really hard. So, I drowned myself in work until I could meet other people. I was sick alot, then, too.....so, it made it harder but I actually got better after I got over his dumb!@$@ self!!!! I was sooo stressed while we were together that it was just making me SICKER!!!! This may be your case, too. I don't know......Do you go to church??? Maybe you could talk to someone at your church.....it's free???!!
*HUGS*!!
Michelle 
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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She always knows just the right words to say!!! She said it alot better than I did......so, yea......listen to Bev!!!
Michelle
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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I have to say I too agree with Bev.
More often than not, boys (and even some girls) do things to sabotage the relationship so they feel better about leaving.
Its so much easier for him to be a jerk, than to sit you down and tell you he thinks maybe its time to move on. Both hurt a lot, and its immature.
Sadly, I've seen it happen to my friends more than one time. You can't make someone want to be with you and for that reason alone you've gotta let the kid do what he wants to do. I wish he could have done it in a more mature way.
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I agree with Bev. When I met my Richie he had had two stokes and could not talk much or move his right arm. It killed me when he was sick, but I never stopped loving him. I had to do a lot of little things for him that we, with two funtioning arms, take for granted. I'm not trying to blow my own horn. If he couldn't be with you when you were not feeling well, good ridance. I know you don't feel that now, but someday you will see it. If Richie were alive today, I'd wipe his a$$ if I had to.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Why, oh WHY, do we always accept the bad things that people say about us to be true? You know you better than anyone, including Adrian. You know what you're made of, Steph, and while it may be hard for you to see it in yourself right now (thanks to his incredible insensitivity), dig down deep, Girlfriend! Pull it up out of you and show him what he's gonna be missing. I don't care if it's all an act right now, just do it for YOU -- because when it's all over, you'll be able to look back and know that you blew him away with your incredible classiness. Just DO it.....
...... then, when he's gone, come back in here and let us all congratulate you on how well you handled it. Break down with us, 'cause there isn't a soul here who hasn't been there themselves and knows what that feels like.
I'm glad Adrian has shown you his true side. The more I think about your post, the angrier I get....
You're not to blame for being sick. You didn't ask for it. Is Adrian always well? Does he never get sick? Who the hell does he think he is, anyway? Steph, you don't need someone in your life who will not care for you when you're sick. Interesting, isn't it, that Adrian is fine when you're at a party, boozing it up with friends, but when you're down and out, he's "tired" of it? That's not what you want in your life, that's not what anyone wants, certainly not me. When I'm sick in bed, hubby brings me tummy mint tea and oatmeal, asks what else he can do for me, and even makes sure he doesn't leave the house in case I need him. THAT is what it's all about, THAT is what I, for one, want in my life. And Steph, you should not settle for anything less, damnitall!
Your friend,
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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OR.......
#229198 - 12/04/05 11:57 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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..... you could just continue to defend Adrian as you always have and let him hurt you again, as he has so many times in the past.....
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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i read bev's reply, i think thats an awesome idea.
being co-dependent myself, i can see how the words and actions hurt like hell. but what he's doing is verbally abusive...mike's said some mean things too...he's changed the way he talks alot now though. but i'm someone who needs constant re-assurence that you love me...like i said i've learned to be co-depended most my life. which has made me allow myself to be abused.
i feel for you more than you think. mike and i are giving it another shot...it's been going better, but like today he said he's getting christmas gifts for his 2 sisters, neice and dad...but nothing for me...and said he didnt want anything, when i wanted to go shoping he says "we have no money" i make at least 1700 a month including child support, he makes 2000 or so a month, rent is 1900 (we are in california, bay area) and the bills aren't THAT much. his car payment is high, and gas is high for his car...but i doh't ever buy stuff...so we have a joint account, so he threatened for us both to have seperate accounts, and he pays all the bills...with the joint account, so he said he'll just tell me how much to pay for bills. so i'm pissed off as i'm sure you'd expect, he's planning to spend 50 on his dad 30 on each sister, and 30 on his niece, but wont get me anything? i don't know if he was just saying it but i'm really hurt by it....and upset. i had plans on good gifts for him...but now i'm like screw you...
anyway, back on this email.....
people alot of times just suck. it's easier for US to say get out...people has said it to me too. but yes, i love mike alot, and it's hard to just say f you..goodbye...but if he refused to accept me for me...i'd say good riddens...you are a pretty lady, and eventually can find someone cool. but have fun...go get some friends!! i made some at my work, and one girl and i are starting to go out and do stuff...because i need a friend, and an outlet...you know?
anyway....good luck...i can understand what you feel...because mike and i were going through the same crap.
feel free to talk about it on the boards....i of all people understand what you must be feeling
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