Broken Heart
#229180 - 12/04/05 10:53 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Adrian and I have decided to seperate come January. It might come as a surprise that it actually has nothing to do with my recent dilemma about whether to stay in Canada or move back to England.
I haven't been posting because I feel like people probably don't want to hear me moaning anymore, but things have been really bad. I am only posting now becauase I am literally entirely alone and completely desperate for someone to talk to.
Adrian has been so irritable and grumpy. He is mad at me all the time. I end up feeling guilty and anxious, which makes my tummy bad and I have been getting terrible headaches.
He keeps doing things that make me feel grumpy at him as well. For example, three days in a row he forgot to pick me up from the transit station and I had to call my Dad. Very embarassing. He doesn't want to.. be intimiate.. with me hardly ever. He always has an excuse, but I'm not stupid. All these things that keep happening make me feel foolish and like I can't trust him to do the things he says he will.
We keep trying to talk about it, but he shuts me down every time. For weeks now, I have been feeling like I am just waiting for us to finally break up.. which terrifies me because even when things are bad, he is still my favourite thing.
We ended up talking yesterday, in the parking lot of a mall no less, and he put it all out there: He feels resentful of me because I am sick all the time. This one was like a punch in the gut. I gave him an out over a year ago, told him how it was going to be. Everyone had convinced me he wouldn't want to be with me. He acted INSULTED that I would even suggested it. How lucky was I to have found someone who would love me anyway? But I guess I was wrong. And foolish, again. The worst part is, I totally UNDERSTAND. I wouldn't want to be with me either!
He said that he feels like he has to take care of me all the time, and that he can't count on me for support. I think that is ridiculous. I have never had ANYONE take real care of me, and have always been on my own for the stomach thing and have never asked him once to "take care of me". Besides that, when I get really sick with the flu or when I broke my foot he doesn't do anything extraordinary to help me out. Doesn't pamper me or anything, so I don't know what he is talking about. As for supporting him, I never talk about myself anymore as I always only listen to what is going on with him, I sympathise and give him hugs and make him food and everything.. I don't know what else he wants me to do.
Finally, he said that he thinks he does so much for me and I do so little for him (ouch) that if we were to break up, he would be sad at first but he would be pretty much the same as he is now. He says he feels alone with me.
I have never been so hurt in my life. I have been crying for practically a whole day (since yesterday). My face looks like a war zone. How could he feel these things about me and stay with me? He says we will work it out before January, and we can stay together, but HOW? I am not going to suddenly get better. He can't tell me what he wants me to do, so I can't fix that. I can't make him want to be intimate with me.
I am so afraid of all the "I told you so"s if this all ends up on the scrap heap. I have no friends because of everything that's happened, except for one who is moving away soon. I haven't told anybody what is going on, and I am tearing myself apart.
I want to talk to a counsellor SO BADLY but I can't afford it.
I don't want to eat anything, I feel like I could throw up, I feel like I am just such a horrible person to have done this to someone else.
The reason I said we are waiting until January is because of Christmas, but really it is because I have arranged for his parents to come over for a surprise visit next week and I want us to be together for that as they are staying with my family and everything.
I honestly don't know what I am doing to do. I feel devestated. I need a hug.
Steph.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hugs for Steph
#229183 - 12/04/05 11:13 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Wow.
Steph, I don't think this has anything AT ALL to do with you. Maybe Adrian doesn't realize it himself, but I think he's trying to find reasons why it will not work with you so that he can return to England with a clear conscience. I truly don't think it's about you.
It angers me that people end relationships like this, digging the knife in when it's really not necessary. If you want to leave, just leave; don't pour salt in the wound. Do the classy thing, just go. This is showing you another side of Adrian, and I'm sorry, but it's not a nice one.
There is absolutely no point in hurting you like this, other than to belittle you and make you feel worse about yourself. I thought he was better than that. Actually, this is a good thing, Steph. While it hurts now, at least you know that he's the kind of person who would do this to you. He's doing you a favor, finding out NOW what he's really like.
You have a lot going for you, and you can prove it now. If it were me, I would reach down into the deep recesses of myself to pull out the very best in me, to show his family the kind of classy person I am. I would have them over as planned, and I would put on the biggest smile I could muster up. I would show them a fabulous time, be the best I could possibly be. And then, when they left, I'd kick Adrian's sorry A$$ out with a big smile and an incredible kiss that he'd never forget. And then I'd forget he ever existed, while he returns to England with a big question mark over his head, wondering if he made the biggest mistake of his life.
Then, after he left, I'd break down. I'd get it all out of my system, and then I'd pick myself up, dust myself off, and MOVE ON. You deserve better, don't settle for anything less, Steph. Frankly, I think, after you get through the grieving, you'll do soooo much better without him.
BIGGGG HUG!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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i'm sorry to hear whats going on. he sounds like he blames you for anything that goes wrong...which is messed up. your tumy problem isn't your fault either. its not like you take a pill too feel like crap...if somone doens't want to be with you, and doesn't accept you for you...screw them. who needs that [censored]...mike was being crappy not to long ago if you rememeber....like everything was my fault, we are still working on stuff..i don't know where the path will lead....
i'll write more later, ok?
take care
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Girl, this sucks! 
I'm kinda new to the boards, so I don't know what has been going with you guys before now.....but, he sounds like a TOTAL JERK!! I don't think you SHOULD UNDERSTAND how he's feeling at all......not one bit!!! But.......I know you love him, though, so what can ya do??!! 
First of all, I don't want to offend you in any way. If say anything to upset you, I'm sorry!!!!  I'm just calling it like I see it, K??? HUGS*!!
I could not imagine my husband saying things like that to me....."that he feels resentful of me because I'm sick all the time"???? OMG!!! He would never say anything like that to me to begin with. He feels just as bad as I do when I'm sick. WE ARE ONE!!! When I'm sick, he's sick. His stomach is screwed up the whole time mine is because he's worried about me and my health and our marriage. Your man sounds like he is really REALLY self-centered. Like he's in this relationship just for himself. "What's in it for him, right????!!!!" (Just an observation). I was in a relationship like this once and he looks alot like your man, too. Needless to say, he was in it for him and I kicked his *&*^@$ to the freakin' curb years ago!!! I can't handle men like that.......no matter how sick I am. I can only handle sooooo much abuse before I'm just done!!!!
And you "feed him, listen to him, give him hugs" and he thinks he does so much for you and you do so little for him!?!? Girl, kick his butt to the curb and find a man who will love you no matter what. I know it's hard, but it is possible. And you ARE worth loving!!! NO matter what your medical condition is......
I feel so bad for you!!!  Wish I was there to help you out. It's hard going through something like this ........ESPECIALLY when you're sick AND alone. I was alone when I kicked that other guy out, too, and it was really hard. So, I drowned myself in work until I could meet other people. I was sick alot, then, too.....so, it made it harder but I actually got better after I got over his dumb!@$@ self!!!! I was sooo stressed while we were together that it was just making me SICKER!!!! This may be your case, too. I don't know......Do you go to church??? Maybe you could talk to someone at your church.....it's free???!!
*HUGS*!!
Michelle 
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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She always knows just the right words to say!!! She said it alot better than I did......so, yea......listen to Bev!!!
Michelle
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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I have to say I too agree with Bev.
More often than not, boys (and even some girls) do things to sabotage the relationship so they feel better about leaving.
Its so much easier for him to be a jerk, than to sit you down and tell you he thinks maybe its time to move on. Both hurt a lot, and its immature.
Sadly, I've seen it happen to my friends more than one time. You can't make someone want to be with you and for that reason alone you've gotta let the kid do what he wants to do. I wish he could have done it in a more mature way.
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I agree with Bev. When I met my Richie he had had two stokes and could not talk much or move his right arm. It killed me when he was sick, but I never stopped loving him. I had to do a lot of little things for him that we, with two funtioning arms, take for granted. I'm not trying to blow my own horn. If he couldn't be with you when you were not feeling well, good ridance. I know you don't feel that now, but someday you will see it. If Richie were alive today, I'd wipe his a$$ if I had to.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Why, oh WHY, do we always accept the bad things that people say about us to be true? You know you better than anyone, including Adrian. You know what you're made of, Steph, and while it may be hard for you to see it in yourself right now (thanks to his incredible insensitivity), dig down deep, Girlfriend! Pull it up out of you and show him what he's gonna be missing. I don't care if it's all an act right now, just do it for YOU -- because when it's all over, you'll be able to look back and know that you blew him away with your incredible classiness. Just DO it.....
...... then, when he's gone, come back in here and let us all congratulate you on how well you handled it. Break down with us, 'cause there isn't a soul here who hasn't been there themselves and knows what that feels like.
I'm glad Adrian has shown you his true side. The more I think about your post, the angrier I get....
You're not to blame for being sick. You didn't ask for it. Is Adrian always well? Does he never get sick? Who the hell does he think he is, anyway? Steph, you don't need someone in your life who will not care for you when you're sick. Interesting, isn't it, that Adrian is fine when you're at a party, boozing it up with friends, but when you're down and out, he's "tired" of it? That's not what you want in your life, that's not what anyone wants, certainly not me. When I'm sick in bed, hubby brings me tummy mint tea and oatmeal, asks what else he can do for me, and even makes sure he doesn't leave the house in case I need him. THAT is what it's all about, THAT is what I, for one, want in my life. And Steph, you should not settle for anything less, damnitall!
Your friend,
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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OR.......
#229198 - 12/04/05 11:57 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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..... you could just continue to defend Adrian as you always have and let him hurt you again, as he has so many times in the past.....
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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i read bev's reply, i think thats an awesome idea.
being co-dependent myself, i can see how the words and actions hurt like hell. but what he's doing is verbally abusive...mike's said some mean things too...he's changed the way he talks alot now though. but i'm someone who needs constant re-assurence that you love me...like i said i've learned to be co-depended most my life. which has made me allow myself to be abused.
i feel for you more than you think. mike and i are giving it another shot...it's been going better, but like today he said he's getting christmas gifts for his 2 sisters, neice and dad...but nothing for me...and said he didnt want anything, when i wanted to go shoping he says "we have no money" i make at least 1700 a month including child support, he makes 2000 or so a month, rent is 1900 (we are in california, bay area) and the bills aren't THAT much. his car payment is high, and gas is high for his car...but i doh't ever buy stuff...so we have a joint account, so he threatened for us both to have seperate accounts, and he pays all the bills...with the joint account, so he said he'll just tell me how much to pay for bills. so i'm pissed off as i'm sure you'd expect, he's planning to spend 50 on his dad 30 on each sister, and 30 on his niece, but wont get me anything? i don't know if he was just saying it but i'm really hurt by it....and upset. i had plans on good gifts for him...but now i'm like screw you...
anyway, back on this email.....
people alot of times just suck. it's easier for US to say get out...people has said it to me too. but yes, i love mike alot, and it's hard to just say f you..goodbye...but if he refused to accept me for me...i'd say good riddens...you are a pretty lady, and eventually can find someone cool. but have fun...go get some friends!! i made some at my work, and one girl and i are starting to go out and do stuff...because i need a friend, and an outlet...you know?
anyway....good luck...i can understand what you feel...because mike and i were going through the same crap.
feel free to talk about it on the boards....i of all people understand what you must be feeling
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haha...steph...you got bevrs all riled up!! i agree with bev though...it's hard to hold it down, and everything, but if he's like any of my ex's saying things to hurt you, and seeing you hurt about it....then if he comforts you for what he just did...its messed up. i hold alot in becaues of the people who have hurt me before...and that boils up and gets out of whack. but you don't need the pain that he causes. thats why i was leaving mike. we're working on it now...but we have so much to still work on.
i wish i could go hang out with you, becuase i know you need friends at a time like this....but know through the computer we are all here for you! 
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Oh, no, woah
#229203 - 12/04/05 12:42 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Wow, thanks for all the replies and so fast!!
I know that a lot of girls do this, back peddle and defend their partners when things are bad but Adrian really, truly isn't a bad person AT ALL. If he was, I wouldn't have stayed so long I swear.
He's not a jerk, I really don't want it to come across like I am a victim to a bad boyfriend because I'm really not.
Anyone who has met Adrian knows he's not a bad person.
He doesn't resent ME so much as all the things we haven't been able to do because I'm sick. And I think that is understandable. And truthfully, I agree with Bev that if he wanted to leave he should have left. But he says he loves me, so maybe he is as confused as I am? I don't know.
I think he is stubborn and self-centered, which is why he can't see what I do for him and that's a huge problem. But he isn't malicious. He was crying when he said these things, and said he didn't want to say them but I kept after him.. which is true. I have been trying to get him to tell me why he is upset for months.
When I was so upset, he must have apologised a thousand times and tried to take it back. He said it came out wrong, and all that BS. I know what he said, though.
I am still as upset as before, but I don't want to turn anything into an attack on Adrian because he is a lovely person. Nobody else in my life has ever been as nice to me as he is, I have lost everyone else long before this.
It was my idea for us to move apart in January, at which point we will still try to work it out, but living seperately. He says that no matter what, he wants to stick it out in Canada because he worked hard to get here.
I really want us to work it out and stay together. I love him so much.
I didn't get a chance to read all the replies, I am playing "happy normal life" with my family today but I will read them later. I just wanted everyone to know... just because Adrian may not be good with me, doesn't mean he's not good at all. He is lovely, really.
Honestly, I have been awful to him lately because I have been so confused and angry. I am getting super depressed, and I can't blame him for being in his early 20s and not knowing how to deal with that.
I don't want to take away from what I am feeling, because it really sucks, but I also don't want to make it sound like Adrian has done anything TO me, because he hasn't.
I will read more later and respond.
I appreciate the support so much, I really literally have nobody else in my life to turn to about this and I am completely alone.
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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{{{hugs}}}
#229216 - 12/04/05 02:43 PM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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Oh HONEY! BIIIIIIGGGGGGG {{{hugs}}}
If you have a credit acrd or just someway of the two o you going to see a counsellor together, then I highly recommend it. Si & I have been too 3 sessions so far and it's helped so much. He's had trouble coping with me being so sick as well...AND was doing the thing of not wanting to feel responsible for me so not always helping......
{{{hugs}}}
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ugh ...
#229228 - 12/04/05 04:12 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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This sucks! I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I'm not gonna say "dump him, he's a jerk!" -- yeah, it sounds like he made some really insensitive comments, but, we are all human, and we all do cruddy stuff. Being in a committed relationship is HARD. Even the most wonderful people are not wonderful 100% of the time.
Another thing -- a male in his early twenties actually is probably not completely human. There are exceptions, obviously, but at that age the vast majority of them are still fairly selfish and insensitive. I'm 24 and I would never date someone my own age. (Well, or any age, actually, seeing as how I am married and my husband would probably object.) I think it's like around age 27-ish that they start to mature.
I don't know what to say about the things he said. My husband has also struggled to accept my illness, and we've had some "discussions" that left me feeling pretty rotten about myself. In some ways we are still probably a little shaky. I am now pretty severely ill and I think he has finally accepted it more. BUT ... even so, he is still fairly passive about helping me. I have always done all of the housework, and even now, he won't do dishes/laundry/whatever on his own -- I have to ask him to do it. Don't get me wrong, he will, but he certainly doesn't tuck me into bed with tea and toast every time I get sick. But that's fine. That isn't the way he's wired, and I can deal with that.
My husband is a super-nice guy. He's the kind of person who will stop to help a stranger. It's easy to get angry because he doesn't always understand, or sometimes he'll say something like "We never go anywhere anymore." But illness can be just as tough on your partner in other ways. It's not easy for me to deal with what I'm going through. At the same time, it isn't easy for him, either. We can't go have a nice evening out anymore, because if I'm feeling sort of OK, then I'm going to be at work, making up for hours I missed. When we get invited to social functions, I am rarely ever able to go, and so he has to show up alone and answer questions about me. Our sex life? Don't even ask. I don't cook anymore. We have a huge home remodeling project, but I am always too sick or exhausted to help with it. And there is always that perpetual hanging thought that I might end up not being able to work, which would just kill us. The list goes on and on. It isn't easy for him, either. Yeah, it's really easy to get indignant and say that HE isn't sick and ought to be completely supportive -- but you know what? It usually doesn't work that way.
It sounds like the two of you really aren't on the same page right now. I really agree that you should try to do counseling. I know you said you were broke, though. Doesn't your insurance cover that at all? Mine does, though I'm limited to X sessions per year.
This kind of stuff is unfortunately normal in a relationship where one person is chronically ill. I guess both of you have to ultimately decide if you believe you can come to terms with it.
I do want to note that it sounds like you are way nicer to him than I am to my husband. So, I guess that the issues are arising more from his inability to adequately deal with the situation, rather than anything YOU personally are doing wrong.
Hang in there. Life is hard, and figuring out the male psyche is even harder. And, this is a cruddy time of year!!! I'm sorry, but the holidays are a huge tangled knot of stress, and anyone who tells you differently is in retail.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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i can't beleive him he should be more supportive!i'm sorry if I ofefended you in some way but that is how I think of him
*Hugs*
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Puppies Are Cute But I'm Cuter
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I agree...
#229244 - 12/04/05 05:26 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I guess that the issues are arising more from his inability to adequately deal with the situation, rather than anything YOU personally are doing wrong.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Steph, please don't blame yourself for this. You didn't choose to be sick. I'm not saying this is all Adrian's fault, but you *can't* blame yourself for something that's out of your control.
And by the way, I think you were right to push him until he finally talked... I don't think you were "asking for it" in any way... if he was obviously not happy, then you have every right to know why.
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be... sometimes the timing is just wrong. He's not mature enough to handle your illness right now. It happens. Adam and I had to disappear from each other's lives for 5 years before we could get back together and make it work. Not saying that that's the answer either, but... you never know.
I agree that counseling - for you alone, and for the two of you together, if possible - would be ideal. I know that here, there's community mental health resources available for people who don't have insurance or who otherwise can't pay for a therapist. Maybe there's something like that up there?
Good luck. *hugs*
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Stephie:
1. Hugs.
2. I hope you find counselling for you.
3. Do you know anything about co-dependence? I smell someone, who like me, is addicted/attracted to abusers. Steph, he makes you feel like $h!t, or worse. I went through years of redundent relationships with Buttheads like
Adrian, only much older and much wealthier. You have so much to offer as an individual. Do you know who you are yet? I haven't a clue re: who I am! You have so many places to see, experiences to be savoured. Can you grieve and let this one go? I know that there's something better, something more. Yes, your soul will bleed (mine did). Adrian is just a huge thorn in your side, but, heart. You do more crying than celebrating. I want to hear happy ecstatic news.
5. That's my piece/take on the situation. Be free. Let you find you. You're worth so much more & better and don't need any more baggage/crap.
6. We're here for you.
More & more hugs,
Kate.
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Hi Steph,
I am sorry that this is happening to you. This was were my boyfriend and I were a year ago. I was diagnosed with UC 2.5 years ago (which also coincides with when we first started dating). Anyway, after a year and a half I had a really awful flare up that lasted about 6 mos. My bf was very supportive throughout, however those 6 mos. were very difficult for both of us. I was kind of retreating into myself and I was very scared to go out b/c I was having D all of the time. Finally my GI switched meds and things got back on track but it took a while to rebuild our relationship. I realized that part of the problem was that I was so scared by how sick I had become (after a year and a half of being semi-well) that I didn't know how to handle it and our relationship. I'm happy to say that we were able to work things out and he proposed last summer, we're getting married in July/07.
I just wanted to tell you my story so that even if things don't work out with Adrian that there will be someone out there who will love for you, when you're sick and when you're well.
Take care Steph,
Jenn
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Steph
#229270 - 12/04/05 08:19 PM
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I was about to start a thread to you yesterday, wondering how you were doing. I've read this thread and have lots of thoughts, having just broken up 2 months ago with someone I was sure was "the one."
Here's my gut reaction. You said, "Adrian really, truly isn't a bad person AT ALL."
I say, you don't have to convince yourself he's a bad person in order to acknoweldge that he's a bad fit for you. You don't have to change your mind that he's a good kind person. You don't have to decide that you've been wrong about him. You can simply say that you love him, you'll always think the world of him, but that you and he are not providing each other with what either one of you needs.
On another note -- usually the one doing the pulling away has been thinking / feeling that way for a long time, so for him it's not out of the blue. I'm not much of a self-help enthusiast but I did just read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken," and it really did help me so much. It's a quick read -- go check it out of the library. If they don't have it, I'll send you mine.
Also, unfortunately, it's not up to you whether or not you guys make it. It takes two people working hard on a relationship to fix it, but it only takes one person to decide it's over. Sounds like Adrian truly does care about you and didn't want to hurt you by ending things, but his heart is not in it. He's been passive-aggressive and has basically put the ball in your court, so you're the one who has to do the axe-dropping. My ex did the same thing, and I think it's pretty common relationship behavior (men and women).
I'm really sorry you're hurting. If you two do end it, I hope you'll look at it as a "breakover" (explained more in the book). It will be an opportunity for you to work on a lot. You'll be able to work on your relationship with your mom since she'll be the only one making you miserable. You can see about not paying your parents rent anymore and moving back in with them upstairs, if they can do that for you. You can focus on University. You can count down the days until you get your breast reduction. You can feel free to spend the whole damn day in bed if your belly hurts. You can see how your tummy reacts when Adrian is no longer playing yo-yo with your heart. As painful as the certainty of a breakup can be, it can also be a relief when you know that your daily emotional state will no longer be dependent on your man's mood.
Keep us posted -- I'm thinking about you.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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This is the first ultra serious relationship I have been in, so I really am confused.
I appreciate all the input and having the support when I don't have anyone else to go to.
Today I woke up crying, and he cuddled me and told me he'd work on things. I didn't believe it.
Then we took the dog for a long walk and it was snowing like CRAZY. We talked a lot (just about normal things, not relationship-y things) and played with the dogs and had a little snowball fight and it was like nothing bad had ever happened.
Then we came home and I had such a bad headache, and he rubbed my neck and head and got me tea. Then we had.. other things.. that was totally amazing.. which hasn't happened for ages.
He has hugged me constantly, tells me he wants to work it out. We had a nap together, he helped me make dinner... it is like a perfect day, other than these awful feelings deep down in my belly.
Speaking of bad feelings in my belly, since dinner I have gotten really pain and bloating and nauseous. About 10 minutes ago, I started throwing up. That along with the headache I've had for 2 days, and a stuffy nose I think I may have the flu or else a really bad stress reaction.
I HAVE to go to work tomorrow, so I hope this stops soon but I am in major pain.
Adrian has been super nice and sympathetic.
I just don't understand how things can get so confusing. I am hurting so badly, but then he is being so wonderful. Does that mean it will last? No, not necessarily but I can't chance walking away from someone I love this much who things can be this good with if it can work out.
Oh gah, I think I have to go throw up some more. This bloody sucks. What a sh!t weekend!!!!!
You guys are so great...
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I love you sweetie.... {{big hugs}}. I don't know what to say.... I'm sorry your hurting and so confussed.... I just see Adrian as such a sweetheart and nothing but a dear when I've hung out with you two.... it is hard for me to tell you to break up with him....but at the same time...I don't want to see your hurting....sorry I'm no help... {{more hugs}}
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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I usually try to stay away from commenting on people's relationships. It can be a slippery slope. What I will repeat is something that has been said other times on these boards in different situations. When someone is asking for advice they already usually know what they are going to do and are looking for some sort of vidication for their decision. Steph, I am sure you know deep down inside what is best for you. Having your first serious relationship not work out is not a fun thing. I can't sugar coat that. But you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. If things don't work out with Adrian, you WILL find someone else. I can't say you will find someone in a year or 5 years but you will find someone. It took me a LONG time find Tina but, eventually, I did. Hang in there, and feel free to vent as much as you want here.
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I'm so sorry, Stephie. It's so hard when things are going rough. I totally understand - hubby and I are in a rough patch right now ourselves. It is NOT easy. While neither of us are going anywhere, working through things is extremely difficult. I would say that if you want to have any shot at working things through, is to work on your communication. It is so key. I would make the time and set aside the money for a counsellor. A non-biased third party can be so helpful.
I think that Adrian is not being honest with you. I don't think your illness has a darn thing to do with this. I think he's just using it as an excuse. Yes, my husband sometimes feels frustrated with my IBS, but he certanly doesn't make me feel guilty about it.
You and Adrian really need to open up to each other. One technique that hubby and I find really helpful is taking turns talking. I would speak my mind and he would agree only to listen and not respond. That way, I could tell him the complete truth without worrying what he's going to say about it. Then once everything is in the open, you can discuss options and comprimises.
Relationships are HARD work. I hope that you can find a way to be happy - either with Adrian or without.
NEVER feel like you're a burden here. We all love you and are here for you.
Sending you tons of hugs,
Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I have been in relationships where I was treated like a queen but just wasn't "into" the guy or ones that could have been much kinder and thought that I couldn't live without them.
I don't know Adrian so I will not bash him or anything like that, I don't think that is fair.
Steph, you are a precious person, I love that your posts end with "Cheers" and despite the sadness in your life as of late I see a really sweet person that I think I would enjoy hanging out with...though I may be old enough to be your mother!
What I am saying is that you need to be in a place where you don't need a man to complete you. I think that giving the relationship a rest would be a good thing. Take time to walk in the park alone (great time to talk to God), go to the movies with friends and just hang out with yourself!
Perhaps when insurance kicks in you can get therapy for yourself...I so believe in counseling if you have the right therapist.
You cannot count on Adrian to complete you...you need to be complete without him or any other man. When the right man comes along then he will enhance the complete Steph and help you to blossom.
At the risk of sounding to "mommy-ish" a separation may be a good thing in that it would give you both time to grow up a bit, find yourselves and give you both an opportunity to see what or who is out there. Then if God wants it to happen, he will bring you back together.
I am so sorry you are sad.
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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I know poochibelly and I might be the only religious fanatics on this board, but reading her post gave me an idea. I'm not sure how religious you are or if you have a relationship with a parish near you, but I'm pretty certain that most clergy are trained to do some counselling. If you can't afford to pay for one, a minister/priest/pastor would likely do it for free. If you don't currently go to church and aren't against the idea, start going! It gives me great peace of mind and time to reflect, and can do the same for you even if you don't pursue the counselling. Give it some thought.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Re: Hugs
#229312 - 12/05/05 07:52 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I'm so sorry Steph. I really can't add anything to whats already been said but wanted to offer my support and love as well! Super duper big hugs and lots of love!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Stephie *hugs* I'm sorry you're hurting right now *more hugs*
I feel like Adrian needs to do some growing on his own. His on again--off again love for you is unfair. To both of you. (I must say thought is is easy for me to comment as I am not in the relatiosnhip and I only know what you say on the boards. And of course what you say is tampered by my own experiences in life anyway...). In other words...I agree with Tommy. You know in your heart what is best for you...I am simply mirroring what I "think" I am getting from you in this post and in the many overs over the many months we've both been posting here.
The bottom line, Steph, is that we all want YOU and Adrian to be happy.
I just want to say that we all love you (that is CLEAR ) and we are all here for you whatever you decide.
Sending you the clarity to know what is in your heart and the ability to follow it home...
I love you Steph *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*
Love,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Steph, I am so so so sorry you are going through this Honestly, reading your post absolutely broke MY heart; I'm hurting right now for you girl
I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry and that I'm sending you massive amounts of love and hugs and comfort and positive thoughts right now. I just have a minute here on the computer so I haven't had a chance to read all the other replies but from the looks of it, it seems like your getting some good advice.
And I read in your other post that you ended up in the ER last night!??! Oh god!
When I get the chance I will read through this thread more thoroughly and maybe post again, though with all these lovely ladies here I know you're in good hands. So for now I'll just have to leave it at: massive amounts of love and hugs and comfort and positive thoughts!!!! HUGGGGGGGGGGGS!
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I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. I do think that for whatever his reasons are though that the two of you are not close anymore and it is time to break up.
I'm so sorry to say that as it's the last thing you want to hear. But I have thought for some time now that you two should split up. I'm sorry Stephie.
Let him go. If he thinks you're more trouble than you're worth than HE's not worth it.
You will gte through this. And there's a terrific person out there for you. One that won't make you feel like a burden. Someone who will be strong enough to stand by you when you're down and out.
I'm so sorry. Just remember, you're not alone, you still have us all.
Tina
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really means the world to me. I think a lot of you understand what I mean when I say I feel so alone, and therefore how much it means to me to have you all to talk to.
I wanted to say that I don't have bad feelings towards Adrian, and I really don't want us to seperate. I know that everyone who is telling me to just leave is trying to be supportive, but I hope that you can support me if I can work things out with him.
I spoke to my best friend who just got back into town who has spent loads of time with Adrian (by himself and with me) and she was very supportive and said that us moving apart might be a good idea, but she doesn't think we should break up.
I know that there are two sides of every story, and I know that you guys only hear mine. The truth is, we have had some really amazing times that I haven't ever posted about. I feel like usually if I post about good stuff, there isn't really any interest (no offence meant here, I know that everyone only has so much time for the boards) so I have only really been posting when I "break down" and have nowhere else to go.
The bottom line for me is that the good times still outweigh the bad, and that if we can learn to communicate how we are feeling I would much rather give it a shot than just throw it away.
Being so sick this last few days has made me see that he really does do a lot for me that I am maybe taking for granted. He took me to the ER and only got two hours of sleep, and still took care of me the next day when he got home from work.
I hope that everyone can respect my point of view, because I do feel like even good relationships need work and that I only ever post about the bad times. It does hurt me when people say they think we should have split up a while ago, or something, but then I realise that I really haven't been fair in how much I talk about him and the good times we have.
I do appreciate all the support, like I said, but I feel like maybe I have set myself up for a fall by posting certain things and leaving others out. Instead of feeling comforted, I just feel worse so I think that I shouldn't be posting about this anymore to protect my own feelings.
I love you all very much, and thank you so much for the feedback and the nice words for those of you who have given them so many times.
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Steph, as I said in my previous post, you know the answers to the questions you are seeking. No one here can tell you what to do in your relationship. You know what is best for you and Adrian. Its like that old saying "Opinions are like butts (not using the more derragatory term), everyone has one." Do what is best for you, not what other people tell you to do.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hugs for Steph
#229676 - 12/06/05 12:36 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Steph, no one can tell you what to do; it's your decision entirely. We're here to support you, that's all. We care for you and want the best for you. We can only react to what you tell us because we don't know the whole story, and like you said, we're hearing only one side. But, because we are not involved, we are objective, and I have found sometimes that's the best kind of advice you can get -- from someone who is not involved and doesn't know either of you -- and of course from folks who have "been there" and back.
More than anything, Steph, we do not want you get hurt.
{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hi, Steph:
I agree with what Bev and Tommy wrote... We're all here to listen as you figure out which way things will go.
Hugs!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Steph
#229874 - 12/07/05 10:41 AM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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Sorry it took me so long to respond. I have been reading your posts, but, honestly, I have been dumbfounded as to what to say to help you. I honestly don't know what to suggest or what would be the best advice. So, I haven't said anything.
Just know that I hope you figure it all out and whatever happens, I hope it is for the best for both you and Adrian. It's hard to give advice about matters of the heart. We can "think" advice...but no one knows what's in your heart...or Adrians either.
We all care about you and just want YOU to be happy and have the best life...no matter how that has to happen.
Love and hugs
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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