back on the dating scene ....
#219461 - 10/14/05 09:18 AM
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Bit of a personal update for those of you who are interested 
So, my long-time and long-distance bf and I broke up last week, after a long summer of struggling to make things work. It was as amicable as possible, though we were both pretty sad. Nothing terrible happened between us, we kind of just stopped moving forward, and I think to a large extent he just stopped putting any effort into the relationship. So, we said goodbye. It's hard to break up with someone you think you're so good with, but it was just over. If he ever moves back to the states (he lives in London) then I'd be open to trying again, but for now, it's not going to work. I couldn't do the distance any longer without a firm committment, and he couldn't make a firm committment yet, and didn't know when he'd be able to, so that was that.
So, now I'm back in the dating game -- I say "back" but I was never really in it to begin with. ex-bf and I were exclusive for the last two years (my first two in NYC) and were non-exclusive but together for the year before that (my sr year of college). Prior to that I was in a mostly-exclusive relationship for just under two years, and immediately prior to that one, I was with my highschool bf for 3 years. So, I've never been single for very long at all. I don't plan to get into serious relationships -- they just kind of follow me. So, now I'm trying to date a whole bunch of guys at once before settling in again. My dad said no boyfriends for 6 months, because he doesn't want me to make a bad choice on the rebound. I'm only 24 but I am aware that the next serious relationship I end up in could be THE ONE and I don't want to be casual about it.
I went on a date the other night with a guy I met at a Patriot League mixer here in the city a while ago. We really had a great time -- dinner and a couple of bars. I know that we have good chemistry, and the conversation is easy, and there is clearly an attraction. I want to take it slow with him but I'm not sure I know how. We're going out again tonight, to a show. He randomly got theater tix at work and called me this morning to see if I would be up for it, and I am. I really want to have a date with another guy before I go on a third date with this guy. I'm afraid he's going to turn into a boyfriend just becuase we'll date each other a lot and maybe not other people. But I need to be able to go out to bars and be single for a while. I don't know if I should tell him that now or just see how it goes. He also doesn't know that I'm just coming out of a relationship, and I'm not sure if I should tell him.
This is all so confusing but also kind of fun. If anyone has any tips / advice for dating in NYC and how to be casual when deep down all you want is something real, I'm all ears.
Thanks guys.
Panda
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I think you're absolutely right to take the time to date different guys and not get serious. You might want to tell this guy tonight that you're just coming out of a long distance long term relationship and you just want to keep it casual. See what he says. If he's receptive, you can tell him that you're fond of him or whatever and go from there.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Hey Panda!
I know that we've talked about this a few time since the date, but I wanted to post and give you some support.
As an EX-serial monogomist (haha I can't spell today, is that right???) I understand how hard it is not to get into relationships. I never meant to get into one, but they always tended to follow me. I'd always make a conscious effort NOT to get attached, and sure enough i'd be swept off my feet. (until this year when I became a serial troll without a date hahahah  - I crave monogomy now  )
in regards to whether or not to tell him about the ex- Remember the first person I dated after my last break up. I was wicked into him at first, and then realized that although he was great, it was just too much for me. I think you're smart enough to know whether or not something is feeling ok. If you're feeling overwhelmed or antsy, then talk to him about it, and tell him you're not ready and want to take it slow. If you're just having fun and going with the flow, enjoy it!
have fun tonight hotstuff! 
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Sorry to hear about the breakup Panda.  Good luck with dating. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so I wouldn't worry too much!
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Amanda
#219759 - 10/16/05 08:21 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi Amanda,
First off, I'm sorry that you had to go through a break-up. Even if they go well, it's never an easy thing to go through so I hope you are feeling alright. I do understand where you are coming from, I can't imagine doing the long distance thing for so long.
As for the new dating, I think a lot of people fall into that pattern of getting out of one relationship and then all of a sudden finding themselves in another serious relationship. I know what you mean about not wanting to just end up with this one, and wanting to at least go on some other dates -- so I say that's exactly what you do!
I'm not a big advice expert, but I think that you don't have to mention right away to new guys that you are just out of a relationship unless you feel like you want to share that. Although, I guess if you want a guy to get the idea that you are not looking to get 'locked in' (hm, maybe use other wording, hee hee) then you have to make him aware of that so he doesn't get the wrong idea.
I think it is a good idea to be casual for a while.. and probably one way to do that is not to get really deep into past relationship talks and how many kids you are looking to have and all that, 'cause I find that stuff to be kinda attaching, you know?
I think that if you find a guy that you really, really like though that it is better to pursue it in case it is something great than to pull away 'just in case' kinda thing.
Anywho, good luck with your new single life! Keep us updated!
Cheers!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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We went out on Friday night and it was one of the most fun nights I've ever had. We saw The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, which I highly reccommend to anyone who likes slightly vulgar musical comedy. They pick audience members to participate and I ended up being one of the 4 people picked. I was on stage for more than half the show! I had lines and everything -- it was so much fun. So, I guess that was my broadway debut! The boy said I looked amazing up there, that he couldn't take his eyes off me, and all that good stuff. So sweet. We went to dinner and a bar before the show, and a couple bars afterwards, and it was just a great time. In a natural, non-dramatic way, I told him that I had recently ended a fairly long relationship, and that I tend to "end up" in relationships. He said he was in a similar situation and also wanted to be single for a while, so that ended up being really easy. He's kind of a relationship guy as well so we're both going to have to work on checking ourselves a little. I just want a few months of being able to go to bars and meet people and not have some bf in the back of my mind, you know? So, we'll see how it goes. I'm supposed to see him again this week but am going to try to have a date or two with some other boys before then. I'll let you all know how it goes!
Thanks so much for the support -- I really appreciate it!
xo,
Panda
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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