Dealing With Grief...how do you know if you've "coped" properly
#202664 - 08/04/05 08:22 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Ok, I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous, but I could really use some advice.
My mom died almost 4 years ago when I was 18. She had pancreatic cancer and died just three weeks after I moved away to go to University. I found it really hard because since she had cancer, I assumed we would have some warning before she went. You know, I expected to be told she wasn't responding to treatment, or tests didn't look good or whatever...I didn't expect it to be sudden.
It was sudden however. She developed a nasty infection and within days was transferred to the Palliative Care ward. I thought everything was fine and then received a call one Wednesday morning from my Dad telling me to come home immediately because she didn't have much time left.
Needless to say, I was shocked. I only went to school an hour away and still by the time I got to the hospital, she was barely lucid. She passed away that Friday.
I tried to grieve, I cried and did all that stuff. I even helped plan a lot of the funeral. I put together albums of pictures of Mom with friends and family, and was in charge of calling and notifying a lot of people of her death.
After the funeral, my Dad sent me right back to school because he said things should get back to normal as soon as possible. So I went.
Now it's been four years and I really don't think I've properly dealt with it. I'm sure you always continue to feel pain when a loved one dies, but I get more upset now than I did then  I'm trying to work through a lot of issues right now and I just don't think this is helping. I have guilt about the fact that I went away to school...pancreatic cancer is almost always deadly so I feel like I should have known better and stayed.
I keep having recurring nightmares where she dies all over again in different (and strange) scenarios and find myself crying a lot about it.
I can't really talk to my family about it (don't have much family anyways) and I just don't know what to do. Is this normal? Is there even a normal for things like this? I didn't know my grandparents or anything so my Mom's death was the first death I really experienced.
I'm on waiting lists to see a therapist, just thought I'd see if anyone had any tips or advice for how to better cope.
Sorry this is so long, it's just been one of those days
Kelly
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I don't think that there is any one way to cope properly. Everyone deals with things differently. Some people cry, some people scream, some people run away. Everyone is different.
I also think picturing your loved one dying is an incredibly normal thing. Some days I will be going about my everyday business and think about my grandmother, because she died at home, and I saw her almost an hour after she died, and I don't think that I will ever be able to forget that picture. The same thing with my cousin who died at 21, and one of my fieldhockey teammates who died at 16. I think when deaths are shocking and unexpected, it makes it incredibly hard to not hold the picture in your mind, and to grieve quickly, orderly and properly.
From my own studies, it is obvious that teenages and young adults, often grieve slower than others do, because we tend to dull our pain with outside events and activities. However, there is nothing wrong with this at all. Its hard to deal with the death of a parent at 16 or 18 (I can't remember which age you said).
I think going to talk to a counselor is a great idea. Also, my mothers father died almost 20 years ago this september and I know that every august she gets really sad and irritable to this day. If the anniversary of your mother's death is approaching that might have something to do with the way you feel right now.
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Kelly,
As you might remember, my MIL died of pancreatic cancer three years ago. She also deteriorated rapidly after getting an infection. The images of her on her deathbed have stayed with me, though thankfully not as vividly as in the beginning.
My MIL was very important to me, but she wasn't my mom. Despite that, I can see the ripple effects of losing her all over my life: my IBS, increased anxiety, but also positive things like a greater willingness to admit my own vulnerability.
I think my point is that to lose your mom is devastating at any age. To lose her the way you did is particularly tough. It will always hurt, but through therapy, you might find a little more peace about it. And like Ashley said, grief is different for everyone. If you feel there's stuff to work through still, then there probably is.
Big hugs,
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I've really only had to deal with one death, the murder of my first husband. Even though that was over 12 years ago, I still have nightmares about it. I know when things like his birthday or the anniversary of his death come around each year, I get very sad.
I do see a therapist and she has helped some and assured me these things are normal. I hope you don't have to wait too long to see someone, I know therapy has really helped me deal with a lot of different things from my past. Big hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Hello Kelly
I was 27 when my dad died from Leukaemia - he was diagnosed in the January and died in the May. I have two younger sisters the youngest was only 20 and had recently got married. I was married with two little sons aged 7 & 4. At the time dad was so ill that I thought at least he wasn't suffering anymore, I rationalised it and did not acknowledge the big loss in my life. My life was busy with two little boys and a husband whose building business was crumbling.
To cut a long story short - 10 years after dad died I suffered with a reactive depression - this was the first time I had really acknowledged that not only had dad gone but the effect it was having on my life. Both my sisters and myself have been affected deeply by dad's death and my mum has now been on her own for 25 years.
I have had various sessions of counselling and following some more counselling last year I think I finally "got out" the last bit of grief which was trapped inside me. Interestingly enough it is since then that my ibs.d has been considerably worse so maybe with time I will get some healing on that now that the emotions have been predominantly healed - although saying that I am sitting here with tears as I feel your pain and remember my own. Although My pain is considerably eased now.
I am 53 now and I do know that I have dealt with the loss of dad, however that does not mean that I don't have a tear now and then - I think I always will. My sons were deprived of their lovely grandad, my sisters and I were deprived of a dad during our adult life and now I have four little grandchildren and it upsets me that dad is not here to see them.
We did not know dad was dying, none of us were with him and none of us said goodbye to him and that was the work which I did on myself last year which resolved the last bit of emotional pain which was deep inside.
My advice to you is not to think about whether you have coped properly, you just have to do what you feel is right for you. Cry, shout, talk - very important - I found sitting at the computer and trying to say goodbye to dad last year was so therapeutic - after I had typed what I wanted to say and shared it with my cousellor I showed it to both my sisters who both cried. I don't think we will ever lose the emotion of crying for our loss and IMO that is not a bad thing. Dad will not be out of my life until I breathe no more!!
Kelly, you have lost your mum at such a tender age as you were movinginto adulthood and that can be well tough. Do not be hard on yourself, talk with people you can trust and also get some professional counselling. Do you have any siblings? How is your dad coping? - are you able to discuss it with him or is it too sore for him?
I don't know if this is any help - I hope it does not sound too disjointed, and if it makes you tearful then that is a little bit more that has come out. It is amazing how many tears we seem to have in us.
You are welcome to email me at home if I can be of any help - I am ill-health retired medical secretary so I do have plenty of time to talk on the net!
God bless
Judith
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I don't know, sweetheart. Sometimes, it can sneak up on you. You immediately went back to school, to it could just be now that you're not in school, and there's other things like the GAD going on in your life that more of the grief is coming to the surface - if that makes any sense at all. Also, I don't think there's a WRONG way to grieve - everyone must do it at their own pace, and it's all individual. It's entirely up to you. I really feel there is no wrong way. So if you're feeling worse now, it's totally OK. Letting go of grief is a good thing. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. It's a GOOD thing.
Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Oh Kelly. That's so sad.
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I wish I knew. My mother died 10 years ago and I don't think I ever faced it. My Richie died 6 weeks ago and sometimes it is so hard. Other times I handle it fine. I guess it depends on the person. Little things set me off. The big things I can sort of put in a little box in my mind and not let it out. Not a good idea, BTW.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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I definately know what you mean about putting the big things away in a box...gotta learn to stop doing that. Sorry to hear about your losses as well
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Hey Alicia,
Thanks for the response...I do cry (alot) and it does help. I just wish I wasn't getting set off so much, but you're right, the GAD probably has something to do with it. Hopefully if I keep chipping away at that GAD stuff things will improve 
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