Everything is such a mess!!!
#195388 - 07/13/05 07:44 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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*cries*
Nothing is going right, I am going out of my mind.
I hadn't been able to sleep at all for two nights in a row because of how sore my tooth was getting, and then Adrian was mad at me for keeping him up at night(not on purpose!) and the pain was so bad I nearly drove myself to the ER two nights ago just to get something for the pain, since extra strength tylenols weren't doing the job.
I waited until morning, got an appointment with a specialist at 2:30 yesterday and then had to sit around and wait to have an Emergency Root Canal done!
I was so nervous I was shaking, I kept saying I didn't want it done after the last one went so badly. They had to give me 3 adavan under the tongue ones to calm me down before they could do it.
So that was last night.
My mouth is so, my body feels totally drained and loopy and I am just so angry.
My mom had to go in for a biopsy today on some breast lumps that they know are not cysts, but something worse and ended up not being able to do it. She came home covered in blood after they made some sort of mistake and she had to stay ages to get the bleeding to stop. She has to go see a surgeon now just to do the tests. She is obviously freaking out, my aunt was here and she was obviously upset and I just don't know what to think.
On top of the whole thing, Adrian has chosen today to start acting like an @$$ and has taken off someone with the dog and I don't know where he is. He is working nights right now, so won't leave for work until 10 but it's 7:30 now, and I imagine he'll come in right before he has to leave to avoid me.
He should be filling out his application forms for the police, but he just keeps making excuses and putting it off. Today I called him on it (NOT mean or anything!) I just said, "I think you should do your forms now that you have some time" (because his big excuse is that he has no time, working an 8 hour day) then he said he wanted to do laundry, which is a whole other issues (ARG!) and I said, "The laundry can wait a while, I really think you should do your forms" and then he glared at me and accused me of being a dictator!!
I just walked away and sat in my room to calm down, I punched the wall which I now realise there is a reason why I haven't done that until now because now my hand hurts.
Then I got a call saying my dental bill is actually NOT covered so I have two procedures to pay for, which would be about $2500 which I DO NOT HAVE.
Well, that got sorted out, they had my name wrong.
But then I got a letter saying that my application for "student borrowing" has been declined, so I have no way to pay for the courses I'm registered in now.
Why can't anything just go right???
I got an interview for a job I really want at the end of July, and I was so excited about it but then all this happened and I can't even get myself to smile about it.
It makes me realise how badly I want to stay with my therapist but I just can't afford it, especially now that I've been denied a loan.
And where the hell has he taken my dog??
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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OHH! And...
#195392 - 07/13/05 07:47 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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I went to my regular doctors today to get my test results for my upper gi series and turns up, yep, I got reflux. She is worried about damage, so gotsa to get on some meds for that too.
Yee haw.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Stephie,
I am so sorry to hear how bad things are going for you. I am sending good thoughts your way since you definitely need someone cheering you on. The dentist is never great to deal with. I try to put it off as much as possible and dread the annual visit for a check up. I hope that things go better with the meeting with the surgeon for your mom. It almost scares me to think what they did to screw up that bad.
Check with your financial aid department about the alternative loan options they might have for financing your school. I know that there are different programs available both in the US and Canada, so hopefully one of them will work out for you.
I hope the interview goes well for you. I know you will be great and hopefully they will see how wonderful you are and wonder why they had to wait so long for you. 
I wish for you that the dog comes home soon. When the most awful day happens and then to come home to a dog to snuggle and make me feel better. So for you not to have one makes me willing to share my little one with you.
Just remember...you are a great person!!!
-Michelle
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AAAAwww.....Steph....your making me cry!! I feel sooooo badly for you.....{{reaching into the computer, out of your screen and giving you a BIG BIG HUG}}!!
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Oh Stephie,
I'm sorry things are so rotten right now. A person can only have so much bad luck though, right? I hope things turn a corner and start getting better soon!
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Hey Steph,
Boy, you're having a rough go of it aren't you? Hang in there, things are bound to start looking up soon
Sorry to hear about all the problems with your teeth...that's awful! I would have needed a whole bottle of Adivan to calm down 
I hope you can find a way to keep seeing your therapist, have you discussed with him/her possible payment options or anything? Or could they recommend to you a place you could go for cheaper counselling?
Don't really know what else to say, try and keep positive and think about that job interview you were looking forward to!
Kelly
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So Adrian came back, and everything just exploded. I got mad, he got REALLY mad, I shouted, he shouted, it was awful!! It was so so awful!
He got really upset and told me not to upset him. He gets really really angry if he starts to get emotional, and embarassed. I told him he shouldn't just run away from me just because he was getting upset.
He told me I had to leave him alone, and I said no. I am so tired of him just deciding when a conversation is over because he doesn't want to have to get "involved". I was in front of the doorway, he told me not to try and keep him in the room. He pushed me against the wall and I fell on my bedside table. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but I just couldn't stop sobbing. I banged on the bathroom door and told him he had no right to hurt me, even if it wasn't on purpose, and called him a bad name and told him to get out.
He came in the room, and asked me what I wanted him to do (ie where to go, when to come back?). I told him I wanted an apology for pushing me, he says he didn't push me. He did apologise, though.
Anyway, I sobbed for ages and he kept crying and eventually said he needed time to take a shower and some time to calm down, but he wouldn't make any decisions while he was this upset. I said what decisisions?
He said he needs to decide if he wants to 1) Stay in Canada 2) Stay with me. He says that being in Canada is really hard, and that being with me is really hard and that he doesn't think he can do both at the same time.
How the hell did I get here?? What have I done to lose every single good thing that comes my way?
I can't stop crying, I was crying so hard while we were talking that I threw up.
How can he leave me now??
I am so scared, I am so upset, I feel like laughing.
I won't survive without Adrian. Full stop. I told him I wouldn't want to keep living if more stuff goes wrong, and he said that was a 'silly thing to say' but I couldn't mean it more.
I started thinking how I would do it if he did leave me. I just need something good, and he is my only good left.
How can he just leave me?
He says he loves me, but then why would he go?
I keep trying to tell him and myself that I am a nice girl, and a good person but I'm not. I can't do anything right, he says I am not supportive, he says I am mean.
I swear when I replay it in my head, it wasn't mean. I feel like I give all the support I have... what else can I do??
I guess maybe all this that has happened is just god or whatever telling me that I don't deserve happiness in any form, and I should just give up.
I can't believe this is all happening. I really don't know what to do with myself.
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Honey, you DO deserve happiness...so much of it! Life just sucks quite royally sometimes. It's NOT your fault, it's just a bad period of your life. You'll get past this.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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Oh Steph, I'm so sorry  I was so sad when I saw your post...I really wish I could just come over and give you a big hug or something.
Your post sounded so much like me, I couldn't believe it. Seriously, I could have been reading my own words. I have had quite a few fights with my bf that have gone just the same way...I always get extremely emotional and start crying (and yelling) and he always wants to leave. Not leave permanently, but just go for a walk or leave the room or whatever and I never let him. I can't tell you how many times I've been standing in front of a door, trying to get him to stay...and it's not a good situation to be in, because sometimes you can get hurt (and it's usually accidental)
I don't have any really good advice except maybe to try and let him leave when he gets like that...sometimes that's just what people need. My bf knows me really well (we've been together 7 years) and he knows when I get emotional like that nothing's going to be settled until I calm down. That's why he wants to leave. He figures if he goes and cools off for a bit, maybe I will too. I don't know if you're similar to me in that regard, but once I get going I really get going.
I've actually just started seeing a psychiatrist for my anxiety issues, and I believe that the way I act in fights is largely related to that...I just get completely out of control and drive him away.
I sincerely hope you guys can work through this, my bf and I have been able to but it's been tough. I've never admitted this but once when I was blocking the door to the apartment, I was crying so loud that a neighbour came from down the hall and asked if I needed her to call the police  I was so embarressed because I didn't need help (at least not from bf), I just needed to calm down.
I'm sure once the dust settles you two will be able to talk things out and hopefully work something out...maybe you can agree to try and give him some space and/or time in fights if that's something he needs?
I'm sorry my suggestions aren't better, I just wanted you to know that I've been there and I understand how you feel. I hope you can calm down and hopefully get some sleep. If there's anything I can do, let me know
Kelly
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Big breath cause I have to confess I've been where you are SO many times it is not funny! I know exactly what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Things just seem to keep going wrong for you right now and you are coping with it all the best you can. This does NOT make you a mean or bad person and when things get really hard the "real" us tends to disappear for a while and a new us comes to stay. But none of that is you deep down, it is the circumstances in your life. I wish I could help you out of this situation but only you and Adrian can do that, hopefully together. Sending major hugs your way. Hang in there Steph, don't listen to the bad thoughts you're having. Life really isn't this bad all the time, there are and will be good times. I don't know what else to say. We are all here for you.
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Amy
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Oh Steph.....what a horrible time to be going through. *HUGE HUGS* I know it seems like there's nothing but bad things going on in your life right now but take a deep breathe and try and think about all the good things you've got going for you. I'm sure there are some things to be happy about and thankful for in your life even if they all seem clouded over right now by all the hurts you're going through. You have plenty of reason to live!!
I know it seems hopeless and you love Adrian so much that you can't imagine being without him (and wouldn't want to) but try and remember that you are strong and you are a survivor and you can and will get through ANYTHING life throws your way and we are all here to help you.
I think you should wait until you've both calmed down a little bit and then sit down and talk about how you're both feeling and what has gone wrong between you two. Maybe you guys will come up with some solutions to your problems.
I wish I had better advice for you. I know how horrible heart ache feels but I can tell you that God sees what you're going through and he never throws anything at us that we can't get through. He does not give us more than we can handle (even though it definitely seems that way sometimes). You will get through this and come out a stronger person.
*HUGS*
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My heart goes out to you. What a terrible few months you've been having. And now Adrian is saying he wants to leave. That's the worst thing for you right now.
Here's a huge (((((((HUG))))))).
Oh Steph.
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don't give up yet...sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment that they don't really mean...like calling people bad names, or questioning why they are there. Maybe it would be good for Adrian to move out...if that means he can stick around in Canada AND in your life....have you ever thought about moving where he wants to go? I don't really know the back story on that, and you don't have to tell me.
I'm so sorry! You've dealt with so much lately! Just try to hold on, and stay calm...
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Stephie
#195524 - 07/14/05 07:50 AM
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I was raised in an abusive home (verbal, emotional) and thereby grew up not knowing that I could stand up for myself, say "no" to a guy...the short version is that I had little or no self esteem.
I found myself in a volatile relationship...some of the fights you write about with Adrian could have been written by me. I lived in Texas where if you weren't engaged or married by the time you graduated college you were considered an old maid.
When this guy left me I thought my life was over and considered ending my life...thinking that I could not live without him and thinking that I would never fall in love or get married.
The truth is, I was married within 9 months to my husband of almost twenty years (THAT story is a post all by itself!) and I am living the American dream. I have 2.2 children...2 dogs...and so forth and I couldn't be happier. God is doing magnificent things in my life and I am so grateful.
I say all of this to say that you CAN live without Adrian if he leaves...DO NOT put your self worth into whether he stays or not. You are a lovely girl with a very sweet personality.
You and Adrian have been through much as of late and I pray that God blesses you with peace in your life. The peace may be with or without Adrian but you will be OK.
I worry about posting this as I don't want to be a naysayer but my intent is to let you know that you are worthy of the very best...you deserve peace...you deserve a man that treats you like a queen...you can be a complete person without a man. Hugs to you Stephie....I am praying for peace in your life.
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Steph, I'm so sorry everything is such a mess. I know how upset you must be right now. I KNOW that feeling of hopelessness, I know that feeling of thinking life is too hard to go on. I know that feeling of thinking I can't go on without someone.
Steph, please don't be mad at this but maybe Andrian isn't the right person for you. Yes, people get upset and say/do things they don't mean to but this isn't this first time. You deserve someone who is going to support you (not necessarily financially but at least mentally) and love you and want to help you and want to make a life with you. I'm sorry, but from what you have said about Adrian over the last year or so, I don't really see hom doing those things.
Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can see the light and move on. I've been at the bottom, in an alomst drugged induced coma, staring up at an abusive boyfriend, having NO money, no one to turn to, feeling like death would be a much easier and better solution than anything I could think of. Its not easy and its very scary. But, you CAN change your life. You do have the power if you want to. It might take spending some time alone, sorting out the issues, figuring out who you really are. But, you are a strong person and you can do it! Once you are happier with yourself, it will be much easier for people to be happy with you!
Please do not be offending by my words. I think you are a dear, sweet person and are most definitely have some awful things going on but know you can stand up for yourself and you deserve to be treated better! I hope things work out with Andrian but if not, you can move on and will find someone who makes you even happier! Super Dooper big Hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Listne to the advice you give others, please *hugs*
IT IS NOT STEPHIE'S FAULT!!!!!
Life is handing you something much more sour than lemons! that is NOT your fault! What did you do to deserve it? NOTHING! When will it go away? I don't know...but it WILL get better! *hugs*
Do you know how important you are? You posted in the EFIBS Diet Boards about being concerned why I was self-diagnosing myself as bipolar. Because of your promptng I had a talk with hubby the other night. He asked me what it was like to be in the hospital. And it came out I WAS diagnosed with bipolar there (Ocd as well).
Do you realize how much HEALING I did because of your concern? Do you have any IDEA what kind of GOOD DEED you did for me? I am TALKING about all of this stuff now...no more deep dark secrets eating me alive! And please realize...you do this EVERY DAY for folks on this board. You are such a WONDERFUL soul...beautiful, courageous, kind, understanding, compassionate...the list is ENDLESS!
Stephie...you have soooooo much love in you! Yes...we have issues. And if Adrian is not able to (for whatEVER reason), support you properly...maybe it isn't meant to be *hugs* Maybe you guys could go to couple's counseling? But you know what? This DOES NOT reflect badly on either of you! I dated a bipolar guy who couldn't get help for himself. When he finally did...it was too late for us. And you know what? NO ONE was BAD! It wasn't the right fit at the right time. I couldn't support HIM the way he needed me to (incidentally he broke up with me a couple of years earlier because he couldn't suport ME the way I needed to be supported).
WHATEVER happens...please know how beautiful you are!!! How special, strong, loving, wonderful...and how much we love you and NEED you Stehpie! I know without you I would not be where I am in my healing. You have helped so many of us...that says SO MUCH about you, your character, and your love. PLEASE shower some of that love on YOU!
If it were one of us with the root canals, the job loss (atm), the probs with our b/f, etc., etc., what would you tell us? Pretend it is me and tell me what you would say. Write it down...place it in an envelope, and the next time you are feeling blue, read it! It's for YOU Steph...all the love in the world.
I love you!
Ruch
P.S. Can you exaplin your situation to your therapist? Maybe she can do phone therapy? If you belong to a church or something, maybe they have money you could use? Just a thought...
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I agree, he just might not be the one for you....?
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The mess!!!
#195969 - 07/15/05 08:10 AM
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pookie
Reged: 07/15/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Wynnewood, PA
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Hi Stephie. Sounds like you have a lot going on and grappling with some tough experiences. Try to prioritize and focus on yourself, not anyone else right now. Remember that things do work out, not always the way you may want them to, but things always get resolved. To move forward is to deal with the here and now, not expend energy on the train that has gone off its' tracks. You have the strength to get through this.
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Stephanie
IBS A,C&D
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