Everything is such a mess!!!
#195388 - 07/13/05 07:44 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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*cries*
Nothing is going right, I am going out of my mind.
I hadn't been able to sleep at all for two nights in a row because of how sore my tooth was getting, and then Adrian was mad at me for keeping him up at night(not on purpose!) and the pain was so bad I nearly drove myself to the ER two nights ago just to get something for the pain, since extra strength tylenols weren't doing the job.
I waited until morning, got an appointment with a specialist at 2:30 yesterday and then had to sit around and wait to have an Emergency Root Canal done!
I was so nervous I was shaking, I kept saying I didn't want it done after the last one went so badly. They had to give me 3 adavan under the tongue ones to calm me down before they could do it.
So that was last night.
My mouth is so, my body feels totally drained and loopy and I am just so angry.
My mom had to go in for a biopsy today on some breast lumps that they know are not cysts, but something worse and ended up not being able to do it. She came home covered in blood after they made some sort of mistake and she had to stay ages to get the bleeding to stop. She has to go see a surgeon now just to do the tests. She is obviously freaking out, my aunt was here and she was obviously upset and I just don't know what to think.
On top of the whole thing, Adrian has chosen today to start acting like an @$$ and has taken off someone with the dog and I don't know where he is. He is working nights right now, so won't leave for work until 10 but it's 7:30 now, and I imagine he'll come in right before he has to leave to avoid me.
He should be filling out his application forms for the police, but he just keeps making excuses and putting it off. Today I called him on it (NOT mean or anything!) I just said, "I think you should do your forms now that you have some time" (because his big excuse is that he has no time, working an 8 hour day) then he said he wanted to do laundry, which is a whole other issues (ARG!) and I said, "The laundry can wait a while, I really think you should do your forms" and then he glared at me and accused me of being a dictator!!
I just walked away and sat in my room to calm down, I punched the wall which I now realise there is a reason why I haven't done that until now because now my hand hurts.
Then I got a call saying my dental bill is actually NOT covered so I have two procedures to pay for, which would be about $2500 which I DO NOT HAVE.
Well, that got sorted out, they had my name wrong.
But then I got a letter saying that my application for "student borrowing" has been declined, so I have no way to pay for the courses I'm registered in now.
Why can't anything just go right???
I got an interview for a job I really want at the end of July, and I was so excited about it but then all this happened and I can't even get myself to smile about it.
It makes me realise how badly I want to stay with my therapist but I just can't afford it, especially now that I've been denied a loan.
And where the hell has he taken my dog??
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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OHH! And...
#195392 - 07/13/05 07:47 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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I went to my regular doctors today to get my test results for my upper gi series and turns up, yep, I got reflux. She is worried about damage, so gotsa to get on some meds for that too.
Yee haw.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Stephie,
I am so sorry to hear how bad things are going for you. I am sending good thoughts your way since you definitely need someone cheering you on. The dentist is never great to deal with. I try to put it off as much as possible and dread the annual visit for a check up. I hope that things go better with the meeting with the surgeon for your mom. It almost scares me to think what they did to screw up that bad.
Check with your financial aid department about the alternative loan options they might have for financing your school. I know that there are different programs available both in the US and Canada, so hopefully one of them will work out for you.
I hope the interview goes well for you. I know you will be great and hopefully they will see how wonderful you are and wonder why they had to wait so long for you. 
I wish for you that the dog comes home soon. When the most awful day happens and then to come home to a dog to snuggle and make me feel better. So for you not to have one makes me willing to share my little one with you.
Just remember...you are a great person!!!
-Michelle
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AAAAwww.....Steph....your making me cry!! I feel sooooo badly for you.....{{reaching into the computer, out of your screen and giving you a BIG BIG HUG}}!!
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Oh Stephie,
I'm sorry things are so rotten right now. A person can only have so much bad luck though, right? I hope things turn a corner and start getting better soon!
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Hey Steph,
Boy, you're having a rough go of it aren't you? Hang in there, things are bound to start looking up soon
Sorry to hear about all the problems with your teeth...that's awful! I would have needed a whole bottle of Adivan to calm down 
I hope you can find a way to keep seeing your therapist, have you discussed with him/her possible payment options or anything? Or could they recommend to you a place you could go for cheaper counselling?
Don't really know what else to say, try and keep positive and think about that job interview you were looking forward to!
Kelly
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So Adrian came back, and everything just exploded. I got mad, he got REALLY mad, I shouted, he shouted, it was awful!! It was so so awful!
He got really upset and told me not to upset him. He gets really really angry if he starts to get emotional, and embarassed. I told him he shouldn't just run away from me just because he was getting upset.
He told me I had to leave him alone, and I said no. I am so tired of him just deciding when a conversation is over because he doesn't want to have to get "involved". I was in front of the doorway, he told me not to try and keep him in the room. He pushed me against the wall and I fell on my bedside table. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but I just couldn't stop sobbing. I banged on the bathroom door and told him he had no right to hurt me, even if it wasn't on purpose, and called him a bad name and told him to get out.
He came in the room, and asked me what I wanted him to do (ie where to go, when to come back?). I told him I wanted an apology for pushing me, he says he didn't push me. He did apologise, though.
Anyway, I sobbed for ages and he kept crying and eventually said he needed time to take a shower and some time to calm down, but he wouldn't make any decisions while he was this upset. I said what decisisions?
He said he needs to decide if he wants to 1) Stay in Canada 2) Stay with me. He says that being in Canada is really hard, and that being with me is really hard and that he doesn't think he can do both at the same time.
How the hell did I get here?? What have I done to lose every single good thing that comes my way?
I can't stop crying, I was crying so hard while we were talking that I threw up.
How can he leave me now??
I am so scared, I am so upset, I feel like laughing.
I won't survive without Adrian. Full stop. I told him I wouldn't want to keep living if more stuff goes wrong, and he said that was a 'silly thing to say' but I couldn't mean it more.
I started thinking how I would do it if he did leave me. I just need something good, and he is my only good left.
How can he just leave me?
He says he loves me, but then why would he go?
I keep trying to tell him and myself that I am a nice girl, and a good person but I'm not. I can't do anything right, he says I am not supportive, he says I am mean.
I swear when I replay it in my head, it wasn't mean. I feel like I give all the support I have... what else can I do??
I guess maybe all this that has happened is just god or whatever telling me that I don't deserve happiness in any form, and I should just give up.
I can't believe this is all happening. I really don't know what to do with myself.
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Honey, you DO deserve happiness...so much of it! Life just sucks quite royally sometimes. It's NOT your fault, it's just a bad period of your life. You'll get past this.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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Oh Steph, I'm so sorry  I was so sad when I saw your post...I really wish I could just come over and give you a big hug or something.
Your post sounded so much like me, I couldn't believe it. Seriously, I could have been reading my own words. I have had quite a few fights with my bf that have gone just the same way...I always get extremely emotional and start crying (and yelling) and he always wants to leave. Not leave permanently, but just go for a walk or leave the room or whatever and I never let him. I can't tell you how many times I've been standing in front of a door, trying to get him to stay...and it's not a good situation to be in, because sometimes you can get hurt (and it's usually accidental)
I don't have any really good advice except maybe to try and let him leave when he gets like that...sometimes that's just what people need. My bf knows me really well (we've been together 7 years) and he knows when I get emotional like that nothing's going to be settled until I calm down. That's why he wants to leave. He figures if he goes and cools off for a bit, maybe I will too. I don't know if you're similar to me in that regard, but once I get going I really get going.
I've actually just started seeing a psychiatrist for my anxiety issues, and I believe that the way I act in fights is largely related to that...I just get completely out of control and drive him away.
I sincerely hope you guys can work through this, my bf and I have been able to but it's been tough. I've never admitted this but once when I was blocking the door to the apartment, I was crying so loud that a neighbour came from down the hall and asked if I needed her to call the police  I was so embarressed because I didn't need help (at least not from bf), I just needed to calm down.
I'm sure once the dust settles you two will be able to talk things out and hopefully work something out...maybe you can agree to try and give him some space and/or time in fights if that's something he needs?
I'm sorry my suggestions aren't better, I just wanted you to know that I've been there and I understand how you feel. I hope you can calm down and hopefully get some sleep. If there's anything I can do, let me know
Kelly
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Big breath cause I have to confess I've been where you are SO many times it is not funny! I know exactly what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Things just seem to keep going wrong for you right now and you are coping with it all the best you can. This does NOT make you a mean or bad person and when things get really hard the "real" us tends to disappear for a while and a new us comes to stay. But none of that is you deep down, it is the circumstances in your life. I wish I could help you out of this situation but only you and Adrian can do that, hopefully together. Sending major hugs your way. Hang in there Steph, don't listen to the bad thoughts you're having. Life really isn't this bad all the time, there are and will be good times. I don't know what else to say. We are all here for you.
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Amy
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