Need help from anyone with a bf or husband
#64365 - 04/23/04 05:40 PM
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For some reason, Im afraid to date/like guys that dont have IBS, because Im afraid that they wont understand me and that I wouldnt be able to like cook for them or eat out to dinner with them or anything. Does anyone know why im like this? Can anyone help me with why as to why i only wanna get in a romantic relationship with a IBS guy? Im like so in love with this one guy, but im almost afraid to go out with him, just because I know he doesnt have IBS and loves to eat fast food/ cheesecake, ect. Help! why am i like this??
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i dunno... a self-esteem issue, probably. i say go for it! if he's a good guy he'll understand it's funny, i have the opposite problem. i dated a guy once with similar problems and it drove me nuts because i knew i couldn't "sneak" bathroom time since he did the same thing and knew what i was doing of course now my regular bf knows all about my probs and he doesn't care a bit. like i said, if this guy is worth it, he'll understand.
-------------------- julia
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k, well I don't have a boyfriend or husband, but I'm kinda the same way for meeting girls. For example how do you tell them, on one hand you don't want to seem overly obsessed with talking about your bowels, but on the other you want them to understand exactly what you have to deal with.
I guess the way I figure it, if it is the right person they'll understand.
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with you; there's no reason to ask "why [you're] like this." You have a very reasonable concern.
How well do you know this gentleman? You say you're in love with him? Is he in love with you too? If so, then it's time to have a little chat with him. Just sit down and tell him. If he loves you, he'll want to be with you, no matter what problem you have. If he doesn't want to be with you because of your IBS, then you want nothing to do with him! And you want to know it NOW, and get it over with.
My hubby loves me dearly, and supports me completely. When I have an attack, he takes care of me, serves me peppermint tea in bed, turns down the loud sounds from the TV or stereo, and makes sure I'm not disturbed. If I don't feel like going out to a restaurant because of my IBS, he doesn't push it on me. He cares about me.
Your boyfriend should feel the same. If not, dump him. You deserve better; don't settle for anything less!
-------------------- <img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I would think this would be difficult too. I would think you don't want to go out on a first date and spill your guts (so to speak) about bowel dysfuntion. I would think you could keep things really vague at the beginning. "I've got really bad food allergies so I'm really limited in food choices." If he asks for details you could talk more about the severe stomach aches rather than the grosser elements.
If it's the right guy then at the right time you can go into more detail.
I don't know if that helps at all - hope so, Leigh
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I LOVE you guys. I am so happy we all can relate
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I am not sure u will find the "right" man a IBS man. I cant speak for anyone else but my husband is 100% loving and supportive. He does things around my IBS and is so caring,loving and helpful. I got IBS after we were married. Look to finding a loving man God will take care of the rest.
-------------------- if God brought you to it. He will bring you through it.
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i don't count here 'cause i don't have a boyfriend or a husband, but i'm going to write anyway! i used to date a lot (in a dry spell now.... how sad! ), so i know what you're talking about.
first of all, if a guy has a problem with my having IBS, then he's going to get kicked to the curb and i won't mind doing it. if this dude has a problem with that, then he's going to be a loser long-term. what if we were to be together for a while and i (god forbid) got cancer or something? this dude freaked over some diarrhea... he is not going to be a support to me in a major time of crisis! so... SEE YA!
if the issue comes up early on, i will mention to the guy that i have "food issues." i keep it vague. why? frankly, on a first or second or third date, the words "diarrhea" and "constipation" aren't really considered terrible romantic. try explaining IBS without using those words! so i keep it vague.
if the guy i'm dating wants to eat out, that's fine. great, actually, 'cause i'm a real foodie! there's got to be SOMETHING i can eat just about anywhere. besides, we're lucky. as the girls, we often get asked our input, so you can steer him towards places that are ok for you! (see how devious i am!?)
as for the cheesecake and fast food guy--- if he's doing a run for the border or tripping into the golden arches, he can afford to swing by a Subway to get you something YOU can eat! (PS: fast food is SO not date food!) and if you want to cook the dude a cheescake, this one is great and he'll never know it's not "a real cheesecake!"
let me tell you something that another woman told me. i thought it was bogus when she said it, but have since learned she was right. ready for it!?
YOU are the prize.
sounds dumb, but when dating, women often feel that they must conform to something the guy wants or will accept. guess what, they have to impress you, too. if you have a health concern and he's a turd about it (pardon the pun), then he's not worth your time.
i dated a lovely man and on our very first date the IBS thing came up. i had told him "i have some food issues" and he asked for more details (most guys don't). i won't lie or hide things (again, i'm not embarrassed to have a health problem!), so i sketched it out for him ("some things i eat can make me sick, so i have to be really careful.") that was all i said, but that was enough. let me tell you, he bent over backwards to make sure every restaurant we went to was "ok for my stomach" and that i was comfortable. in fact, he almost didn't let me have wine one night 'cause he was so concerned about me! i actually had to argue to get a glass of wine! but he was so solicitous and lovely about it. it was a great experience and reminded me that people are better than we give them credit for being. now why did i let that one get away......? i'm trying to remember!
anyway, so many people these days eat all kinds of weird ways. Atkins people, South Beach people... it's nuts! people hardly blink anymore when you say "i eat a low-fat diet and avoid dairy."
hope some of this helps.
--------------------
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Before getting into a relationship, my boyfriend and I were close friends for a couple years. He knew that I had stomach issues (as do the rest of my friends), but never knew too much details. Ever since we've gotten together, he's wanted to know more and more about IBS, and about what stuff I can eat or can't eat. One day he even started telling me about this news report on the radio about studies they are doing with IBS - which is funny because he is so not the type of guy who listens to the news. ![](/messageboards/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif)
In fact, he's more strict about my diet than I am! If I eat something that is definitely a trigger or questionable, he'll question it or try to trade me for it. It's cute and definitely what I need since I have no self-control. LOL
You might be surprised at how supportive he is once you tell him. A positive side of IBS is that you can really tell how much someone loves you by how supportive they are.
- Jennifer
-------------------- - Jennifer
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Lyndeigh
#64711 - 04/26/04 07:50 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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Glad you're feeling better bout all this! If he's right for you, then he'll understand. Even though my HTB gets really fed up with my IBS & Fibro sometimes (don't we all??? ), he still looks after me and loves me!
Btw, did you ever tell your Mum about the difference between soluble and insoluble fibre?
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My boyfriend knew when we started dating that I couldn't eat a lot of stuff, but not much else. We'd been dating for about 2 months before he saw me have an IBS attack (a serious attack of D at the end of play we had gone to see with some of my friends, who had seen me have an attack before). I think I scared him that night, but he's gotten used to it. He's in Turkey right now, has been since September, but he constantly wants to know how I'm feeling, and when I went over to visit, was very careful about making sure there was safe food for me to eat. He worries about me so much, and checks up on me about doctor's appointments, and makes sure I eat (I have trouble keeping weight on). He on the other hand can and will eat just about everything, but he understands that I can't. So, just wait for the right guy, I'm sure he'll come along! And if he can't deal with your IBS, then he's not worth your time.
-------------------- Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Lyndiegh,
There's understanding guys out there- I am my boyfriend's second girlfriend with IBS! He appreciates that I try to do something about it then just give in, like trying to make this diet work for me!
-------------------- -Sheri
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