Day 5 - Learning

Stress ~ How to Wrestle it into Submission

Special Section for Children with Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Stress in childhood is not to be underestimated. Children take their own problems just a seriously as adults take theirs, and they suffer the physical side effects of mental worries as well. For children with IBS, it is crucial that the adults in their lives appreciate and acknowledge the stress they face.

This may require special accommodations, particularly since just having IBS can in and of itself be horribly stressful for a child. The disorder is embarrassing enough to many adults, but can be excruciatingly so to kids. They may be extremely uncomfortable telling anyone they have this problem, they might do their best to deny and hide it, and they probably aren't wild about the idea of your telling people either.

In fact, parents should not be surprised if their children hide IBS attacks even from them, for several reasons. Just enduring an attack can require privacy and quiet, and discussing the details is likely not the first thing children feel like doing once they've recovered, especially if they already know from experience how suddenly IBS can come and go. They may well want to just put the episode behind them as quickly as possible and move on. Drawing your attention to the attack would prolong the experience – and remember, a child's perception of time is very different from an adult's. To a little kid, ten minutes is a long time and a week can be an eternity. Having to spend just one extra minute dealing with an IBS attack, even in the aftermath, can be truly intolerable from a child's point of view. In addition, if an attack strikes suddenly, your child may simply not have enough time to let you know what's happening (I've had IBS hit me so hard and so fast that I haven't had thirty seconds to make it to the bathroom before the world goes gray and I pass out cold from the pain). If children are in a public place or if there are guests in the home, they may hide the attack from you simply to prevent others from knowing as well. And even though you're their parent, it might still be horribly embarrassing for them to have to hold a detailed conversation about their bowels with you. Please respect your child's sensitivities and wish for privacy in this matter. Wait for peaceful times when they're feeling well to discuss the problem with them, and ask specific questions instead of expecting them to volunteer information they may well perceive as humiliating. If they ask you to keep their IBS a secret from certain people or to be vague when discussing the problem, consider humoring them here. There's not much harm in this and the peace of mind it gives your child is well worth the effort on your part. In practice, this may mean you have to give your child permission to lie, and tell people their illness is something along the lines of food allergies or some generic stomach problem. I would even go so far as to support children who want their parents to lie for them. I know it seems ridiculous to adults, but it may well help your child tremendously to have your reassurance that you will not be discussing their colon in great detail with other people. I have one particularly vivid memory from the 4th grade, when I first developed IBS, of overhearing my grandmother discussing my symptoms in gory detail with a friend of hers. This happened the day after yet another fruitless and frustrating doctor's appointment about my symptoms, which were completely undiagnosed (my problem had actually been treated so dismissively by my pediatrician that I hold her in contempt to this day). As soon as my grandmother's friend left, I threw a tantrum out of both fury and humiliation, and the fight ended with my normally unflappable Grams telling me, "Fine! I won't talk about you at all, with any of my friends, ever again!" To which I screamed back, "Fine! I hope that's a promise!" I then ran out of the house, still completely distraught, and didn't come back until I had calmed down. When I came home later, I caught Grams (famous in my family for her honesty and fairness, and for never breaking a promise or revealing a secret) on the phone, talking to yet another friend about my symptoms. It was the one and only time in my life I ever saw an utterly guilty expression on my wonderful grandmother's face. I can look back now and laugh at this memory, particularly since it's become a family legend as the only time Grams was ever caught red-handed at anything. At the time, however, it was anything but funny. I felt so betrayed and humiliated I refused to speak to my grandmother for the rest of the day. She did apologize and tried her best to explain that she was only trying to help me, but I simply didn't want to hear it. In hindsight, as an adult I realize her intentions were obviously in my best interest. She was as frustrated as I was by my pediatrician's ignorance and incompetence, and she was turning to her friends in hopes of gleaning useful information or finding similar experiences. She was only trying to help any way she could, but it was impossible for me to appreciate this at the time despite the fact that I loved her dearly. The embarrassment of having her friends know about a problem that totally mortified me was just too overwhelming. Was this a rational reaction on my part? No, but I was only 9 years old. Sometimes that's a valid excuse. Just try to keep in mind that your child may also have a similarly strong sense of privacy, and this should be respected whether it makes much sense to you or not. Children are dealing with fears of being teased that adults don't face, and they risk being humiliated by their siblings, friends, or schoolmates in the aftermath of attacks of cramps or diarrhea in a way adults simply won't encounter from other adults. So try to put yourself in their place, and remember your own personal childhood embarrassments (I'll bet some memories are still vivid), and then cater to the sensitivities of your children. If they have IBS they truly need this consideration from you, as they are unlikely to get it from anyone else. Be their ally in the ways they need and ask you to be. Click here to continue reading First Year: IBS. All content is copyrighted by Heather Van Vorous and MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED without permission.